Why Burn the Garlic Bread When You Can Just as Easily Poison Your Dinner Guests?

It seems my spouse and I are unable to manage a simple dinner party for 6 without burning something.

The other night, it was the garlic bread. I had made a lasagna and salad. Even baked a cake.  Friends had gathered. Ella was singing softly in the background. The lights were dim. Everyone and every thing seemed perfect as it always does when the lights are low.

People were mingling and laughing. I was happy. A glass of red wine in my hand and things were smoothly underway. I was moments away from the table, and even with one oven, I’d managed to pull together a great meal.

It was quite a relief.

You see, for me, entertaining at home isn’t exactly a joy. There’s no Ina Garten, Giada, or even Paula Deen in my kitchen. It’s more – Fred Willard meets The Gong Show (forgive me for the dated references but that is just how it is).

First, I have to check all the expiration dates. If you don’t cook a lot, Costco may not be the ideal place to shop. Fearful of poisoning friends, I pitch anything that seems too old, but not after a lot of back and forth wondering whether it really matters if you are within weeks of an expiration date. Sadly, that happens a lot. But good sense prevails. I always toss.

I also hate cooking. Some people find it relaxing. I think there should be a special lock down unit for those folks. All I ever see is a mounting pile of dirty pots and pans. I’ve even become an expert at using tin foil to line everything to ease the clean-up. Still, someone has to wash and put everything away.

So it’s not that I’m inhospitable – it’s just a lot of work.

You have to make sure the house is clean, especially the guest bathroom which we hardly use but for some reason is always dirty. Then you have to clean-up outside. Not that you’ll be sitting outside, but in Arizona the outside patio is plainly seen from every window – even at night because we have special outdoor lights that illuminate the exterior. Sometimes I find myself measuring the value of a friendships in direct correlation to the amount of work required to clean up. Love my friends. Hate to clean-up.

So there we were. Enjoying a great beginning until we decided to crisp up the garlic bread. Just slide it under the broiler for a minute of two. Great idea. But with the wine in hand, a friend talking to me, the minute became longer – and before we realized it – the kitchen had filled with smoke.

Successful dinner parties? My advice. Order in.