Growing Older

Is Disappointment Just A Part of Life?

For those of you who’ve been reading my blog, you know that last month I had surgery on my right ear to remove a tumor that had rendered me totally deaf. I was already deaf in my left as a result of a childhood illness. The doctor had promised a complete recovery—and that my hearing would be “better than ever before”. But what he didn’t say at the time was that it would take three months for the hearing in my right ear to fully return. On the bright side, I can hear now. But I’m only at 50% of my former hearing. I guess sometimes, our expectations exceed what nature has planned. Of course, it makes sense that my ear would need time to heal. And I’m certainly grateful we live in a world where this kind of surgery can be done. But to be honest, the disappointment over the immediate results has sent me into a funk. And I’m sure that I’m not the only patient who ever went through a procedure hoping to be quickly back to 100% once it was over.

Buck Up

You’d think it would be hard to wallow in self-pity when you’ve had such a good life. Well, take it from me. It’s not hard. That said, there are things I’ve learned through all this, and so, in the spirit of sharing, I thought I’d pass them along:

  1. One way to view a personal struggle is to consider it a character-building moment. How we manage through the experience says a lot about who we are. You can choose to handle it well or poorly. I assure you, handling it poorly doesn’t make anyone feel any better. Certainly not you, and definitely not your family.
  2. When frustrated, it’s not a bad idea to challenge yourself to a game. For me, I’ve searched for other ways to say “what”—a word I say a lot these days. So far, I’ve come up with “excuse me”, “pardon”, and when I’m in the mood to laugh, “hey” with a palm held up to my ear like an old codger. If you have any other suggestions, please let me know.
  3. Everyone has their problems. But if you’re lucky, when you face a challenge, others will jump in and share it with you. I’ve been lucky. So many people have gone out of their way to wish me well. Those kind words have meant a lot.
  4. When it comes to your health, you have to be your own best advocate. Sadly, I allowed my hearing loss to go on way too long before finally connecting with a surgeon. Had I pressed for a CT Scan sooner, the tumor would have been found earlier. Live and learn.
  5. Every day is a gift. But that gift can either be a lump of coal or a lovely bouquet. It all depends on what you’re expecting. So try, if you can, to remain positive. I hear it’s worth the effort.

And Now, Something Extra!

This month, I thought I’d share a video of Gilda Radner as Emily Litella from Saturday Night Live. Emily always seemed to get everything wrong. Did she need a hearing aid? Probably. But I definitely identified with her over the last few weeks. So take a moment to step back and laugh along with Gilda, Emily, and me. And be sure to have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Can We Ever Be Too Informed About Our Health?

The other day, I was out to breakfast with my most tech-savvy friend who admitted he’d left his Apple watch at home. Now this is the guy who in 1983 advised me to buy Apple stock. Of course, back then, who had two nickels to rub together? I certainly didn’t. Which makes me wonder—when was the last time you saw a nickel? Or even handled change. Anyway, this friend has always bought the latest gadgets. Name it, and he’s owned it. As for me, I’d never been into tech fads. But when I was in college back in the 1970s, I did own a Texas Instrument calculator. That calculator cost a whopping $120 bucks which is why today it’s stashed in the back of my closet. One day, I’m planning on gifting it through my estate. Imagine the disappointed looks on the faces of my heirs.

How’s Your Health?

As for Apple watches, they’ve certainly raised awareness about the dangers of atrial fibrillation (AFIB). And if by wearing a watch you can identify a health issue, I’m all in. Personally, I’d love to own a watch that could warn me when the torn meniscus in my knee is about to act up. Or the nasty ache in my lower back that sometimes pops up in the morning. But before you send me a note of advice on exercise, trust me, I work out a  lot and stretch. They say you either move it or lose it. I’m not so sure about that. I have a feeling that if you live long enough, you lose it anyway. Except for the extra weight that comes with age. That weight isn’t going anywhere. Especially if you love sweets. I like to think of that extra weight as God’s special gift in preparation for the lean times to come. You know. When you trip and break a hip. Or miss the step on the escalator and wind up in the hospital for a few days. Extra weight is good. Especially if you’ve ever tasted hospital food.

Over Notification

Back to those Apple watches. My friend admitted he stopped wearing the watch because he’d become obsessed with the data. I get that. Sometimes, you just want to live your life and enjoy it without worrying about your blood pressure or your heart rate. And if there is a little AFIB here and there, okay, you definitely need to get it checked out. I’d just be concerned that I wouldn’t be able to keep my eyes off the watch, wondering all the while when my time might be up. Which I’m certain is not Apple’s intent. Still, I bet there are people who die with those gadgets strapped to their wrists. Life is funny that way. Personally, I’d rather be surprised when I drop dead. Surprises can be good. They require no preparation. And the last thing I want to hear is the sound of my watch warning me that my time is up. Better to hear the call of the Angels. A sweeter sound, I imagine, than a watch beeping.

And Now for Something a Little Extra!

This month, we’re doing an ebook giveaway of my collection of essays: What’s That Growing in My Sour Cream? Humorous Observations on Modern Life. Just follow this link for a free download. And here’s wishing you and your family the very best of September. Happy reading!

 

 

 

 

Is Someone Talking? Who? Where?

It happened again. I walked into a store and someone called out “hello” and I had no idea where they were. Why? Because everyone in the store, including me, was wearing a face mask. And, since I’m deaf in my left ear, I need some visual clue to know who is talking. Usually, a smile will do. I can’t make the determination based solely on the direction of the sound. Every sound is coming in on the right side. So even if you’re standing directly to my left, shouting, the odds are good I will look to the right. That’s just the way it is.

Childhood

There are scarring memories we all have from childhood. One of mine goes back to a game in kindergarten (I know—that’s a long time ago). The teacher put a blindfold on me and I was supposed to come to the sound of someone calling my name. Well, that was a game I couldn’t possibly win. It’s a miracle I didn’t walk into the blackboard.

Mouths Covered

For those of us with hearing issues, if we can’t see lips moving, we can’t read them. And though I’m not an expert lipreader, I have taken years of training (but please don’t test me if we ever run into each other—no sense in embarrassing us both). But now that everyone is thankfully wearing masks to prevent transmission of Covid, I swear, my hearing is getting noticeably worse. And it’s a strange thing, but when I’m struggling to hear, it feels as if I also can’t see. As if these two senses are somehow linked.

What Did You Say?

So the next time someone appears totally out of it, consider that they might have a hearing problem. And be kind. No one wants to appear confused. In fact, most of us with hearing issues have developed strong defenses. One day, I’ll share the story of how Jeff and I met. Originally, he thought I was unfriendly. And that’s what comes from talking to me on my left side. Spin me about, and things are very different. I might even be charming.

Now, A Little Something Extra

I just got word that What’s That Growing in My Sour Cream? has won first place in the National Federation of Press Women’s at-large communications contest and will be advancing to the national rounds. So, I thought I’d share the opening 3-minute audio from the audiobook available through Audible. And no. That isn’t my voice. Derek Neumann is a professional voice talent. Enjoy!

 

Is It Too Late To Die Young?

As another birthday approaches, it has occurred to me that certain options are quickly closing. For instance, I just might be too old to die young. I used to worry that could happen. But then, I lived through AIDS. A very scary time. When my first partner died at the age of thirty-three, I made my arrangements. I wasn’t sick. I didn’t test positive. But still, the thought of an early death lingered. Until it didn’t.

What is Young?

I guess age is in the eye of the beholder. What may be youthful to some, is definitely old to others. It just depends on where you stand on life’s timeline.  You can be a spry and energetic eighty-year-old. I know a few. Or, you can be an old fuddy-duddy at thirty. That was me. In a way, I’ve spent a lifetime preparing to be older. While others were out skiing, I was concerned about broken bones. When scuba diving was all the rage, I thought it a much better option to see the beauty of the ocean through a glass-bottom boat. That said, I have ziplined in Costa Rica much like Tarzan gliding from tree to tree. But trust me. I double-checked those support lines. It might have been a departure from the norm, but I’m nobody’s fool.

Just Be Happy You’re Above Ground

Growing up in New York City, I attended a lot of funerals. I’m not sure why so many people were dying. It just might be the odds. After all, we lived in an eight-story apartment building with twenty-two apartments on a floor. Lots of families. And where there is density, death can’t be too far behind. Few died young and left a beautiful corpse. That seemed the exclusive purview of the rich and famous. Think Marilyn Monroe. Nonetheless, I’ve heard people say at a funeral, “Gee, she looks wonderful.” That seems too high a price to pay for looking good. Better to have a closed casket and let them comment on the flowers instead.

Youth is Relative

If you’re lucky, you might have a relative or two who lived into their nineties. Bonus points if they were still mentally sharp at the time of departure. I happen to have a maternal grandfather who fits the bill. He died sitting in a chair, eating a Hershey bar, watching television. I call that a noble death. So, no matter which birthday I’m celebrating, as long as I’m south of ninety, I’m still a pup. After all, age is meaningless. Until it settles in your joints, lower back, and index finger. Then age is what you make of it. Anyone for ziplining?

And Now for Something Extra!

This month, my debut novel The Intersect will be available as a free ebook through a January Book Bash promotion with Book Cave which also includes an opportunity to win a $30 gift card to be used at the ebook retailer of your choice. Plus, my second novel After the Fall will be available through a free ebook promotion with Book Funnel. So, if you’re a fan, please take a moment to share this information with your friends. And before I forget, I want to wish you and your family a healthy and happy 2021. The vaccine is just around the corner. So let’s keep our guard up until that second shot is well into our arms. Stay safe!

 

 

When Standing Back Is Actually Good for You!

Another July 4th has come and gone with all the hoopla the Holiday entails. And though I love fireworks as much as the next guy, it can be very hard on dogs. Our four-legged friends freak when they hear the bombs bursting in air. I, on the other hand, am reminded of a troubling incident from my childhood. Now, it didn’t happen on July 4th and there were no dogs around. It wasn’t even something that directly happened to me. But it caused enough concern that I’ve always been leery about fireworks.

Bottle Rockets

When I was a boy, a friend of mine was hanging around with some older teens who were shooting off bottle rockets. Debris landed in his right eye. He was instantly blinded. And though he and I were friends, I never asked him about that afternoon. Maybe I was afraid of upsetting him. Maybe, I was scared to find out how he really felt. Or maybe, that’s just how kids are. Ignoring the messy details in life. Making do until they grow up.

Memories

Okay. So not all memories are good. But, they can be instructive. For a kid (me) who was already deaf in one ear, the thought of losing sight in an eye was scary. My friend’s accident taught me that life can be unfair. Bad things can happen. Especially, if you’re not paying attention. Like if you’re looking up to watch a bottle rocket go off. You could be blinded. Or maybe walking down a New York City street. You could be mugged. Or perhaps, smelling the roses. There might be a bee nearby.

The Power of Now

So lately, I’ve been reading Eckart Tolle’s, “The Power of Now”. It’s intense. So intense that I seem to be only able to manage a few pages each day as I struggle to absorb the wisdom. But one of the key points is we must not be ruled by time, past and future. Such preoccupation leads to anxiety and dis-ease. Hmm? There may be a lot for me to learn here. I like the idea of freeing oneself from dis-ease. Perhaps that’s the source of my intense snacking habit. In the interim, I will practice looking up the next time fireworks are on display. After all, I just might be standing far enough away for the show to be safe!

A Valentine’s Day Spent Barking Up the Wrong Tree

Valentine’s Day has come and gone. And though I love my spouse, I’ve discovered that I have a roving eye. A roving eye, that is, for a friendly Rover.  Remi, Maya, and Tully. Wilson, Luke, G.G., and Maisie. Louie, Lena, and Cali. Ah, my fickle nature. If it has four paws…I’m in love.

Get Another Dog!

Part of the challenge of being a pet owner is that our beloved pets don’t live forever. We lost our sweet Charlie last September. After months of anguish, we’re still healing. And since Charlie was with us nearly 15 years, he had a lot of health problems. After all that worry, it’s been hard to jump right back into pet ownership. In the interim, we’re kind of fancy-free. Chasing a lot of tail—if you excuse the pun.

A Sweet Tooth for a Poodle

I have the greatest respect for people who rescue. What a wonderful gift to open your home to a furry friend in need. So when we get serious, we’ll definitely check out that option. But I also want a puppy. Yes, I know. That’s asking for poop and pee everywhere. We raised our last two dogs from puppies. But it has occurred to me that with a rescue we might be able to skip the housetraining phase. And if the dog is really smart, he or she can quickly train us. Heck, in our house, that’s really how it works anyway. Please don’t tell the Dog Whisperer.

Here’s to the Future

So we’re kind of looking forward to finding our next sweetheart. Who knows? He/she could be around the corner. Or maybe at your house. So be warned. We’re a sucker for heavy petting and lots of panting. Be still my heart!

Trauma And Humor: A Bad Combination

Trauma and Humor: A Bad Combination

If you follow me on Facebook, then you might have guessed there would be an upcoming blog about the passing of our sweet poodle, Charlie. He would have been 15 years old in December, which is a good run for any dog. He’d been sick the last 2 1/2 years with congestive heart disease, and though Jeff and I were aware that time was running out, the shock of his passing was still overwhelming.

Oh, No. Your Not Going to Talk About It?

Yes. Just a bit. Bear with me.

Our First Dog

In 2002, I was out of town on business when Jeff put Woody, our wire-hair fox terrier, to sleep. And even though it was many years ago, I remember being relieved that I didn’t have to make the decision. Poor Jeff had to do it alone. And to be honest, I didn’t understand the pain of the experience. I wasn’t in the room that day. I didn’t hold Woody as he took his last breath. It was easy to separate from the experience. Easy for me to make ridiculous jokes in a pathetic attempt to lighten the mood. After all, that’s what I do. When things get uncomfortable, I joke. It’s my coping strategy.

And Now This Week

We opted for in-home euthanasia after the vet told us that Charlie needed daily doses of fluids under the skin. We were familiar with the procedure. We’d given fluids to our first dog for over six months. Woody never seemed to mind. He always sat calmly through it and then immediately perked up. But Charlie was not about to do the same. He’d had enough. I could see it in his eyes. We were scaring him and he was tired. Too many pills and too much poking.

It Was Time

And so Jeff and I decided together and our vet agreed. We opted for an in-home visit, thinking it would be easier for Charlie. But there is no such thing as easier. I’m still haunted by the surprised look in Charlie’s eyes when he was poked in the rear by the first needle. The drug that provided the calming euphoria. And then the look when he received the last shot. And those final breaths.

Apologies Are Due

There are times in life when we create discord in our relationships without really understanding how. I did that by not appreciating the extent of the trauma Jeff suffered when he put Woody to sleep. I understand that pain now. Sometimes, we need to go through an experience to grasp the enormity of its impact. I wish that wasn’t true. And for that, I am sorry. Jeff deserved better.

Dawn Sunset

Why Can’t We Bequeath Our Friends When We Die?

My dear friend Harold recently passed away. A lovely guy whose friends rallied to his side in his time of need. I was amazed. Harold was in the hospital for weeks and never alone. Friends circled like carebears. And as I watched the love, I came to realize the importance of longterm roots in a community. Friendships that span decades with people who truly love you. You see, Harold was born and raised in Detroit, and unlike the generations that followed, many of his core friends had remained anchored to the city. Their children had grown up with Uncle Harold.

Blood is Thicker than Water

Not always. And in Harold’s case, I’d say the opposite was true. Yes, he had a family that loved him, but they had long ago left the area. The real family had morphed from the offspring of these longterm friendships. Young people in whom Harold had invested time and love. The infants that he’d once held in his arms came to sit by his bedside to hold his hand. The commitments were real. The connections unbroken by time or distance.

Standing Still

There’s a lot to be said for staying in one place. It certainly provides a greater stability to cement relationships. And as I watched all these Detroit friends, I wondered how they’d managed to remain Detroiters. I’d long ago succumbed to the siren call of San Francisco and then on to Phoenix. Years spent pursuing other friends, other dreams, while many of my Detroit friends too had left mostly to settle in southern California. I’d come to believe that you may have friends for a season and friends for a reason and that there was always an opportunity to make new friends. I hadn’t thought about life’s emergencies. The events that knock us to our knees. The time when we really need those special connections.

The Intersect

In my debut novel, I wrote about Daisy, a septuagenarian, who suddenly finds herself alone during a healthcare crisis. As I stood in Harold’s hospital room, I wondered if Daisy was more about me than I had dared to admit to myself. Was I afraid that one day I  might be at the mercy of strangers, no family and friends to support me? In the novel, Daisy gets lucky. There are caring and wonderful people who step up to rescue her. Perhaps that’s my truest wish. A wish Harold never had to consider because Harold had already done the hard work to ensure he’d not be alone. He’d loved his friends unconditionally. His friends had become his family. 

We All Have Friends

It’s just too bad that along with money and worldly possessions, we can’t bequeath to others the amazing people in our lives. I’d have considered myself immensely lucky to have inherited any of the fine people who surrounded Harold in his last few weeks. He was blessed and I will dearly miss him, but until the end of my days, I will remember the crowd that gathered in his hospital room. For a bief moment, I was part of something amazing. Something rare and special. Adults gathered at the bedside of a dear friend as if he were part of their immediate family. For you see, he was.  He was the chosen family member.

Book

If You’re A Baby Boomer, Does Anyone Still Want to Hear Your Opinion?

Back in the 1980s, I attended a seminar at the University of Michigan. It was an insightful week. We learned about market research, market analysis, and how to create a marketing plan. But the most powerful message wasn’t about the tools. It was about the Baby Boomers. The people who had the purchasing power. And the message was clear. Young people spend money. Lots of money. Which is why advertisers create messages skewered to a younger audience.

Baby Boomers

That once youthful market of Baby Boomers (26% of the United States population), is now well beyond middle-age. Each day, 10,000 Boomers turn 65. 65!  Now, it’s true that you can still be a youthful 60-something. You can exercise regularly, be sharp-witted, and read voraciously. And you can look fabulous. But there is no way you can really consider yourself young. Well, you can, but you might be the only one.

Silence is Golden

Now, I like being older. Maybe because when I was younger, things didn’t always go so well. There were lots of personal challenges to work through. Troubling times that inspired insecurity and doubt. Oh, I still have those moments. I’m sure we all do. But at least now, I understand such feelings are momentary. If age offers wisdom—we learn that not every misstep in life is a calamity. Age helps put that lesson into perspective.

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Fireworks

Oh, But How I’ve Missed You!

Pop the champagne! Sound the bugles. I’m back. There, I Said It! is once again up and running after a few weeks of hiatus. Did I run out of things to say? Was I hobbled by a broken finger, unable to type? Did my agile mind have a momentary slip? No. Not at all. But I did launch a new novel and let me just say, it was a bit distracting.

A New Novel?

Hopefully, by now you’ve heard about the new novel, After the Fall, and maybe, even seen the book trailer. Yes, I know. It’s a very common title. If you go on Amazon, there are pages and pages of similarly named books. But fortunately, there is only one Brad Graber, the author. And that is the easiest way to find the novel. Just type my name in the Amazon search box. But if you’re still stuck, you can always go to my website at bradgraber.com and click the “order now” button by the novel’s cover. It will take you directly to my Amazon page. Or, if you prefer, you can buy the novel online through Barnes & Noble or the Apple Store for iBooks.  There are lots of options.

How Did I Come Up with the Story? 

There’s always a seed of truth. Something that triggers the creation of the novel. For instance, before I wrote The Intersect, Jeff and I had talked about leaving Phoenix so that I could pursue other job opportunities. When we decided to stay, and I opted for early retirement, it occurred to me that such a scenario might lead to tension in a relationship. So, I created Dave and Charlie and just stood back while they cascaded. I also was missing my mother. Ding dong—is that the front door? Oh hello, Daisy. Combine that beginning with my interest in elder abuse, undocumented immigration, and teen homelessness, and we’re off and running. So that’s kind of a snapshot of how the creative process works for me.

Relationships

By now, you probably know that I like to write about people, relationships, and the cultural and political climate. I’m less concerned about a specific age group than I am about how we react in different situations. It’s kind of like the ABC show, “What Would You Do?”. I’m fascinated by the choices we make, which is how I come up with the twists and turns for each story. That’s what sparks my imagination, and hopefully, if I do a decent job, you’re in on the fun.

A Great Summer Read!

So a big thank you for kindly supporting this second novel. And just in case you haven’t purchased your copy of After the Fall, here is the book trailer. Check it out.

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