Whimsical Observations on Life

Were You Raised in a Barn?

Growing up in NYC, when things got too messy, my mother would accuse us all of being raised in a barn. Which is an odd thing to say since she was in charge of the housework. Still, there are times as an adult when I look around and think, definitely barnyard. Okay. So there are no cows or chickens anywhere. And the only silos are the stacks on my desk. But isn’t that what writers do? Create piles. At least, that’s what I’ve decided. And yes, I’m committed to one day curating each of the stacks into files. One day. But not today. Today, well, to be honest, it’s all just too much. Did I just hear a cow moo? 

Why is it so hard to Clean Up? 

We all know people who are meticulously organized. We snicker and call them anal-retentive. No one wants to be known as anal-retentive. It sounds like a disease acquired in childhood. Something that happened around toilet training. A period of time most of us can’t remember. Or, we might hear people identify as OCD. As if wiping down the counter with a sponge could ever be obsessive-compulsive. Especially if you’re in the habit of wiping the crumbs from the counter onto the floor. Hmm. I swear I just heard a cow moo.

Why is Everything so Messy? 

It just seems that when I worked outside of the house, coming home was a wonderful thing. You could relax. Kick your shoes off. Enjoy the quiet. But now, at home, I notice every dust bunny that floats by.  Another good reason not to have tile floors. Living in Phoenix, I just close my eyes and pretend they are tumbleweeds. And lately, I’ve even spotted a layer of dust gathering on the living room furniture. I’m tempted to write my name in it. But if I do, well, I’d have to dust. I think it’s better to just stay out of that room altogether. What you can’t see, can’t hurt you. 

Spiders 

I’ve spotted a few spider webs gathering in the corner by the windows. It’s wonderful how nature creates its own little cleaning crew for tiny bugs. I’m reminded of the Munsters. That house was always covered in cobwebs. Mockingbird Lane and Lily’s housekeeping left a lot to be desired. Surely it’s time to grab a dustbuster or something and take care of the mess. But then, I have other things to do. What they are, I haven’t quite decided. Ahh, my mother was right. I must have been raised in a barn! 

Now for Something a Little Extra!

The reviews are coming in on Boca by Moonlight. And it has just won first place in the Arizona Chapter of the National Federation of Professional Writers at-large communications contest. It’s exciting to see the novel find an appreciative audience. So, if you haven’t had a chance to check it out yet, please give the book trailer a peek. And enjoy the rest of the month of March! 

Would Covid Make a Great Dog Name?

I’ve been wondering, does anyone in the United States (or for that matter anywhere) have Covid as a last name? Is there a Mr. & Mrs. Covid out there? And if so, how has their family managed over the last two years? It would be horrible to have your name associated with a deadly pandemic. Far worse than a devastating hurricane (forgive me Irma, Sandy, and Katrina). And now that the pandemic is on the wane, will Covid pop up as a popular baby name? Or is that just too weird?  Personally, I think Covid would make a great name for a dog. There’s a hard C sound to Covid. And dog trainers agree hard sounds work best when training puppies. Close your eyes, and imagine it. I see a Chihuahua named Covid. Or maybe, a Chow. What breed do you see?

Air Travel

Speaking of Covid (yes, I still am), I recently traveled to Mexico. A negative Covid test is required 24-hours before returning to the USA. Was I worried? Sure. I may love Mexican food, but I’d hate to get stuck in Mexico. No matter how wonderful the vacation is, no one wants to be detained in a foreign country. Especially if you’re sick and require medical care.

But I’m Fine – Just Fine

That week in Mexico, I wore a mask everywhere. Except in the pool. That would have been just silly. And I kept my distance from others. Essentially isolated in a resort where isolation was pretty easy because the place was empty. It seems Americans aren’t rushing to Mexico. Oh, we’re there. But not in the same numbers as pre-Covid.

It Can’t Be

And of course, the night before returning to the USA, I had a terrible dream. Even though my Covid test had been negative, for some reason, my boarding pass displayed Covid as my last name. I’d become Brad Graber Covid.  “That’s not me,” I shouted in the dream as I was pulled out of the airport line. “I’m not Covid. That’s not who I am!”

Secret Agent?

Hmm. Maybe Covid would make a great last name for a secret agent. Or the mad scientist in a thriller. Mark my words. The name Covid is not going away. And the next time you’re at the dog park and hear someone shouting Covid, just remember I told you so, as the crowd scatters and a toy poodle charges up to its owner who is enthusiastically praising the pup. “Good boy, Covid! Good boy!”

And Now For Something a Little Extra!

If you haven’t checked out my award-winning collection of essays – What’s That Growing in My Sour Cream? – you can click here for an excerpt. Have a great rest of the month. And, oh yes. Happy Valentine’s Day. I hope you got chocolates!

Is There Such A Thing As A Zoom Wardrobe?

Lately, I’ve been struggling with my shirts. They’re getting a bit snug. Not just around the middle, but the shoulders too. Could it be added Covid weight? Or, has the dryer done its final spin? Either way, I’m torn about getting rid of the shirts. You see, on Zoom the shirts appear to fit. I know because when I’m on Zoom I’m often staring at myself. I don’t want to look. But it’s like coming across a traffic accident. My eyes are just drawn to the crash site.

My Favorite Shirt

I dislike clothes shopping. That makes it hard to part with the regular go-to shirts. You see, I like to wear the same thing over and over (in between washes, of course). I could get more creative. There are other choices in the closet. But change is hard. And even a new shirt might hang around for a few months until I’m comfortable putting it on. And then I have to force myself. Because I’m all about the familiar. It’s just a quirk of mine.

Different Colors

A few years back, I bought a red shirt. Big mistake. Red invites attention. I’ve heard that red cars attract more speeding tickets. And we all know that red is the official color of ambulances and fire trucks. It just takes a special guy to carry off red. Someone young. Someone sexy. Someone with more pep in their step. Someone who just isn’t me.

Zoom

On Zoom, black is my preferred color. Or non-color. And absolutely nothing with stripes or polka dots (does anyone still wear polka dots?). There is a large mixed media piece of art that hangs on the wall directly behind my desk. You can’t miss it on Zoom. The colors are vibrant; orange, red,  dark green, aqua, and purple. A black shirt seems to blend best. And though the art looks great on the wall, I’m glad I’m not wearing it.

And Now for Something Extra!

My latest novel, Boca by Moonlight, is now out on Amazon. George, a widower, struggles to come to grips with his life as a single man in Boca Raton, Florida. The novel is a mix of satire, family drama, and mystery. Take a moment to check out the book trailer. If you’ve ever lost a parent or found yourself suddenly immersed in the over-fifty dating scene, please consider adding Boca by Moonlight to your reading list. Until we meet again, all my best to you. Stay healthy. Stay safe!

Why Is It So Difficult to Change the Sheets!

Who needs to belong to a gym when changing the sheets on the bed is so freaking exhausting. How many steps must one travel to complete the mission? Back and forth. Up and down. Certainly more steps if it’s a California King. And all that tugging on the corners to get a fitted sheet in place. Who needs a hike or a yoga class? Not me. I want a comfy chair and a glass of water.

Housework

So how can we keep up with household chores as we age without hiring expensive help? There should be an entire industry built around the notion of self-cleaning. They’ve done it with ovens. And in Norway, they have self-cleaning public toilets. The door locks and the whole thing is blasted with hot water and disinfectant. Not a bad idea to clean a home bathroom. Just imagine. One push of a button and it’s all done.

Home of the Future

To me, the home of the future would be one that requires no effort at all to maintain. Windows and mirrors would glisten. Countertops, shine. No mess anywhere. Every toilet would have a power flush. No more backups. That horrible rubber plunger would be history. Positioned in a museum next to the rotary phone, electric typewriter, and Polaroid Instant Camera. We’d walk by and notice the display and point. Remember that thing? “What was it for?” little children might ask, fear in their eyes. We’d hold them close and shudder. “Never you mind. Some things are best left unspoken.”

Driverless Cars

In ten years, if not sooner, we should be able to buy a car that would take us anywhere we need to go. We can sit comfortably in the backseat while being transported to the grocery store or our next doctor’s appointment. No more concern over rush hour traffic. Or stressing over Google maps. Effortless, carefree, private, and very independent door-to-door service. Lost in Space meets Star Wars. Without having to actually travel on a spaceship. We’d leave that hullabaloo to Jeff Bezos.

Make a Wish

If I had my way, our house would sparkle like a model home. Beautifully decorated with everything in its place. No need to ever straighten up. And the bed would always have fresh linen. Crisp, clean linen.  No wrinkles anywhere. It would be a dream come true. My OCD vision of delight!

Now for Something a Little Extra!

A little birdie told me that there’s a new Brad Graber novel coming out soon. Boca by Moonlight will be launching in mid-November. The story of George, a widower who discovers the importance of friendship as he navigates life on the grounds of the very exclusive Boca Raton Resort & Club. In the interim, this week, we’re participating in a Fall Fiction promotion. It’s your chance to grab a free After the Fall ebook and meet over twenty other authors. You just might discover a new favorite! So please, check it out.

 

 

 

Do Good Things Come to Those Who Wait?

I’ve been thinking lately about the advice we collect as we make our way through life. Being a cautious type, I’m always interested in the wisdom of others. Eager to avoid life’s missteps. So here are the top pieces of advice that echo in my head and my spin on them. And yes. I’d love to hear yours.

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

I’m all about being patient, but how long should anyone wait to be happy? Loved? Fulfilled? I think good things come to those who get busy. Planning for what they want and taking action. Learning how to move forward and making choices.

If It’s Too Good to Be True…It Probably Is

I grew up in New York City where they sell fake Rolex watches on the street. So you might think I’m savvy. Still, there are times that I’ve been had. Think back to the 1990s and the Bruce Jenner Stair Stepper. It leaked black grease all over the carpet—squealed so loud you’d swear the cat’s tail was stuck in its hinges. I’ve even bought a book of health secrets from a late-night Hugh Downs infomercial. Yes, I can be had. But not very often.

Laugh and the World Laughs With You. Cry, and You Cry Alone

There’s truth in this bit of advice—but I don’t like it. In my opinion, we all spend too much time hiding our feelings. That only divides us. If you’re upset, and I’m your friend, I’m all in. Cry, and I want to hand you a tissue. Let you know that you’re not alone. And if you love to laugh, please invite me to the party. I have a wicked laugh. Trust me, I do.

If Not Now, When?

Just maybe, when I’m good and ready. Sometimes, we push too hard. I find myself in that camp. And I’ve learned it’s best to let some matters rest before reacting. It allows for a more thoughtful approach. And who doesn’t need to be more thoughtful? My hand’s in the air.

Now for Something A Little Extra!

From August 31st to September 6th, we’re participating in an Audible Subscription Give-Away. If you love audiobooks, this should be right up your alley. Please take a moment to check it out. And if you’re already an Audible member, both After the Fall and What’s That Growing in My Sour Cream? are available through Audible. I hope you’ll check them out.

 

 

 

Is Your Family Story the Next Great Saga?

Welcome to all the new readers who’ve recently joined through a BookSweep or BookFunnel promotion. Glad to have you with us!

The Stories We Tell

Every family has its drama. That’s what makes family gatherings so interesting. A place to share family lore. Relatives who arrived on the Mayflower or by way of Ellis Island. Snickers about grandpa’s nightly snort of whiskey. Whispers of an aunt’s illicit love affair. Tales of that great uncle who never married. You might even hear details about a parent’s previous marriage and divorce. Scandalous!

Family Saga

Essentially, your family history is chock full of stories about relatives who’ve lived interesting lives and made difficult choices. Some good. Some bad. And the judgments they faced due to those choices. Just ask about the relatives missing at your next family celebration. That side of the family that no one talks to any longer. The cousin that never shows up at the family reunion. Oh yes. There are plenty of stories. You just need to know where to probe.   

Judgments

Judgments reveal a lot about a family’s values. And often, judgments are passed down from one generation to the next. This ripple effect is what makes for an interesting family saga. Especially, if there are lessons learned and minds changed. That’s what we call in the book biz a story arc.

History Repeats

If you hover above your family tree, you might even discover that many family dramas are rooted in the past. One or two generations back. And, there’s no such thing as an original story. Themes repeat. Sibling rivalry. Failed business ventures. Mysterious deaths. Broken marriages. Everything you’d ever need to write a great novel is there. You only have to lean in and listen.    

Lost Tales

To me, nothing is sadder than a bare family tree. A tree that only provides names and dates of birth and death. It’s like walking through a cemetery of strangers. The headstones might be of momentary interest, but there’s so much information missing. The dreams, personalities, and struggles that bring our stories to life. That’s the stuff that makes our family history so interesting. Think about that the next time you’re reading a novel. What are the main themes in your family story? How has that story evolved from generation to generation? I bet you’ll gain some interesting insights. And then, be kind to an author. Share. I love to hear a good story.  

And Now for a Little Something Extra!

This month, we’re participating in two promotions offering free ebooks. You can grab a copy of my debut novel The Intersect at Literary Fiction and a copy of What’s That Growing in My Sour Cream? at Free and Fun. Be sure to check out the promos to meet new authors. And stay safe. Your health is important!

 

What’s That Smell?

If you have sinus issues or allergies, then you know the effect intense fragrances can have. After living in California for a few years, I quickly learned the term “scent-free”. It’s very popular there. In public places, such as gyms, theaters, yoga studios, and restaurants, you might see a sign that requests patrons be free of colognes and the like. That has never been a problem for me. I don’t wear scents of any kind. I never could. Until I did.

Pepe LePew

It was one of those sales coupons that shows up in the mail. Come visit our department store and save money. And like a wandering fool, I wandered over to the men’s fragrance counter. There I was. Standing among a very handsome crowd of men and women. Purchasing all sorts of scents. I was overcome. Caught up in the moment. Soon, caught up in the scents.

Just a Light Spray

The gal behind the counter with the French accent promised me love and romance. Okay. Maybe that’s a stretch. She actually promised me 15% off on any men’s fragrance. The last time I’d tried a fragrance was—a long time ago. It was soap on a rope. Do they even make that anymore? I had to pitch it. My eyes burned. But now, I’m a full-grown adult man. Surely, a light scent couldn’t hurt. Some of my friends wear cologne. Mostly, they smell good. If any of my friends are reading this now—I meant great.

Instructions

She suggested something light. An eau de toilette. I’m not a sophisticated shopper. I’d think anything that includes the word toilet (which I can clearly see hiding in front of the extra t and e) would be a pass. Nonetheless, I agreed to try the toilette water. There’s that word again. Excuse me while I laugh.

Surprise

I sniffed one of the sample cards. And much to my surprise, the scent spoke to me. Brad, darling, you’re sophisticated, handsome, and full of essence. (The French gal at the counter kept mentioning the word essence—so I assumed some of it would rub off on me). I walked through a fine mist and waited for the scent to dissipate. Or burn off. Or whatever is supposed to happen. All I can say is, the fine mist was in my nostrils and mouth for the rest of the day. What had once smelled pleasant, now haunted me. I smelled myself everywhere I went. I couldn’t get away from myself.  And after a hot shower, I still smelled that scent. Would I be forever marked? Known as Mr. Smelly Smell Smell. Trust me. I worried about it.

I’m Just Not the Type

I guess I’m just not the type for fancy colognes and the like. I’m more scratch and sniff. Like the family dog. So I will continue on with my scent-free lifestyle. And I will ignore the allure of smelling better. After all, I am what I am. Chocolate, peanut butter, mixed with a little steak. Let’s see them capture that scent at the fragrance counter.

Now for Something Extra!

From June 21st through June 30th, I’m participating in a new GLBTQ Pride promo with Booksweeps which will provide a chance to grab a free e-copy of After the Fall and other similarly themed books along with the potential to win an e-reader. If you get a moment, please check it out. It promises to be fun. And you just might win something!

Is Someone Talking? Who? Where?

It happened again. I walked into a store and someone called out “hello” and I had no idea where they were. Why? Because everyone in the store, including me, was wearing a face mask. And, since I’m deaf in my left ear, I need some visual clue to know who is talking. Usually, a smile will do. I can’t make the determination based solely on the direction of the sound. Every sound is coming in on the right side. So even if you’re standing directly to my left, shouting, the odds are good I will look to the right. That’s just the way it is.

Childhood

There are scarring memories we all have from childhood. One of mine goes back to a game in kindergarten (I know—that’s a long time ago). The teacher put a blindfold on me and I was supposed to come to the sound of someone calling my name. Well, that was a game I couldn’t possibly win. It’s a miracle I didn’t walk into the blackboard.

Mouths Covered

For those of us with hearing issues, if we can’t see lips moving, we can’t read them. And though I’m not an expert lipreader, I have taken years of training (but please don’t test me if we ever run into each other—no sense in embarrassing us both). But now that everyone is thankfully wearing masks to prevent transmission of Covid, I swear, my hearing is getting noticeably worse. And it’s a strange thing, but when I’m struggling to hear, it feels as if I also can’t see. As if these two senses are somehow linked.

What Did You Say?

So the next time someone appears totally out of it, consider that they might have a hearing problem. And be kind. No one wants to appear confused. In fact, most of us with hearing issues have developed strong defenses. One day, I’ll share the story of how Jeff and I met. Originally, he thought I was unfriendly. And that’s what comes from talking to me on my left side. Spin me about, and things are very different. I might even be charming.

Now, A Little Something Extra

I just got word that What’s That Growing in My Sour Cream? has won first place in the National Federation of Press Women’s at-large communications contest and will be advancing to the national rounds. So, I thought I’d share the opening 3-minute audio from the audiobook available through Audible. And no. That isn’t my voice. Derek Neumann is a professional voice talent. Enjoy!

 

Ten Tips To Make 2021 The Best Year Ever

Let’s face it. 2020 was no fun. So, as we think about 2021, here are some suggestions to  make things a bit brighter:

  1. Stop racing through the store like you’re on Supermarket Sweep (does anyone remember that game show?). If you’re wearing a mask, using hand sanitizer, and staying socially distant, you’re probably fine. Still not sure? Don’t shop on the weekend when it’s busy. And double-mask. It can’t hurt.
  2. Toilet paper is a wonderful product. But there’s only so much anyone needs. If you can’t pull your car into the garage—you probably have too much.
  3. Try to get out of the house. If the weather doesn’t permit, there’s always a good book, meditation, or a nap. And we all know that meditation leads to a nap. What? You really didn’t know?
  4. Cookies and cake are delicious. But maybe it’s time to bring fruits and vegetables back into our diets. You’ll feel better and with summer a few months away, you’ll get a head start on that beach body (and I’m not referring to the dead thing that washes up on the shore every July).
  5. Social distancing will one day be a thing of the past. So now’s the time to change your cell phone number and ditch those pesky relatives. If they can’t text you, they can’t find you. Win-win!
  6.  Embrace change. We have a new president with a new outlook. With any luck, we’ll all be vaccinated soon. Hopefully, before the next Covid mutation. Can you say, Ninja Mutant Warrior?
  7. Laugh when you can. When all else fails look in the mirror. It’s true. You look just like your mother. Now that should put a smile on your face (or send you screaming from the room).
  8. Aches and pains are part of life. They help remind us of what’s important. That we’re still here. Alive and kicking. Adding new meaning to the phrase, it hurts so good.
  9. Try to make pancakes at least once a week. Even if the batter isn’t great, you’ll love the syrup. I promise.
  10. Reading is a necessary form of self-love. We get to experience someone else’s life when we read. And anyone else’s life is probably more exciting than ours at the moment. So go ahead. Pick up a book. Escape.

Now A Little Something Extra!

This month, we’ll be participating in an ebook humor promotion along with other authors. It’s your opportunity to grab a free ebook of What’s That Growing in My Sour Cream? Please take a moment to check out the promotion. It’s a great time to be a reader!

If You Can’t Say Something Nice…

I’ve been thinking lately about the lessons I learned from my parents. They were a preachy twosome. Always imparting some sort of wisdom. Did I always listen? Of course not. What kid ever does? And yet, somehow, I’ve internalized the advice. Which can make the world a very confusing place. You see, when you learn one thing and then see others behaving differently, it’s problematic. Call it a clash of morals, ethics, or just bad behavior run amok. Either way, a bell rings in my head. I call it, inconsistency. And for me, inconsistency is what makes writing novels such a rich process.

Wisdom to Drive You Insane

  1. “Do as I say, not as I do.” Whoever came up with this gem needs a few sessions with a good therapist. We model for others through our behavior, or lack, thereof.  If it isn’t good enough advice for you to follow, please don’t pawn it off on me.
  2. “Rules were made to be broken.” Well, this one is just silly. Perhaps they shouldn’t have been rules in the first place.
  3. “If you loved me—you’d know what to do.” Nope. I’m not a mind reader. If you want something, tell me. I’m a simple guy. I’ll understand.
  4. “Words matter.” True. But actions matter more. You can’t behave badly and then convince me that you’re well-intended based on what you say. I won’t buy it.
  5. “If you can’t say something nice—say nothing at all.” Okay. I agree. But too often, the opposite is far more interesting. Which explains the success of stand-up comics like Joan Rivers, Rodney Dangerfield, and Kathy Griffin. Not to mention, the rating success of some cable news outlets.
  6. “There’s a right and a wrong way to do it.” Where’s Emily Post when you need her? After the last 4 years, I think America could use a little guidance on proper etiquette. Especially, out in public. If there’s something “right” to do, I’d like to read up on it.
  7. “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times.” Well, tell me again. Some of us are just slow learners. Or hard of hearing. Or both.
  8. “Tell a lie often enough, it becomes true.” Hmm. I still think it’s a lie. But it becomes a mighty effective propaganda tool. Joseph Goebbels comes immediately to mind.
  9. “It’s neither here nor there.” Then, I guess it’s nowhere. Good. Who needed it anyway?
  10. “Think before you speak.” Great advice. I’d add, “Speak less. Listen more.”
  11. “There’s a time and place for everything.” If the time isn’t now, when would that be? If the place isn’t here, why bother?
  12. “Nothing lasts forever.” Thank goodness. I can’t wait till Covid is behind us. Anyone for a cruise to Italy?
  13. “Smile and the world smiles with you. Cry, and you cry alone.” No one needs fair-weather friends. If you’re suffering, reach out. Other people are there to help.

And Now, A Little Something Extra

This week, What’s That Growing in My Sour Cream? will be available as a free ebook through a humor promotion to help us forget 2020. Please take a moment and check out the promotion which runs through January 25th. And as always, stay safe. Your health and you are so very important!

 

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