Whimsical Observations on Life

Is It Too Late To Die Young?

As another birthday approaches, it has occurred to me that certain options are quickly closing. For instance, I just might be too old to die young. I used to worry that could happen. But then, I lived through AIDS. A very scary time. When my first partner died at the age of thirty-three, I made my arrangements. I wasn’t sick. I didn’t test positive. But still, the thought of an early death lingered. Until it didn’t.

What is Young?

I guess age is in the eye of the beholder. What may be youthful to some, is definitely old to others. It just depends on where you stand on life’s timeline.  You can be a spry and energetic eighty-year-old. I know a few. Or, you can be an old fuddy-duddy at thirty. That was me. In a way, I’ve spent a lifetime preparing to be older. While others were out skiing, I was concerned about broken bones. When scuba diving was all the rage, I thought it a much better option to see the beauty of the ocean through a glass-bottom boat. That said, I have ziplined in Costa Rica much like Tarzan gliding from tree to tree. But trust me. I double-checked those support lines. It might have been a departure from the norm, but I’m nobody’s fool.

Just Be Happy You’re Above Ground

Growing up in New York City, I attended a lot of funerals. I’m not sure why so many people were dying. It just might be the odds. After all, we lived in an eight-story apartment building with twenty-two apartments on a floor. Lots of families. And where there is density, death can’t be too far behind. Few died young and left a beautiful corpse. That seemed the exclusive purview of the rich and famous. Think Marilyn Monroe. Nonetheless, I’ve heard people say at a funeral, “Gee, she looks wonderful.” That seems too high a price to pay for looking good. Better to have a closed casket and let them comment on the flowers instead.

Youth is Relative

If you’re lucky, you might have a relative or two who lived into their nineties. Bonus points if they were still mentally sharp at the time of departure. I happen to have a maternal grandfather who fits the bill. He died sitting in a chair, eating a Hershey bar, watching television. I call that a noble death. So, no matter which birthday I’m celebrating, as long as I’m south of ninety, I’m still a pup. After all, age is meaningless. Until it settles in your joints, lower back, and index finger. Then age is what you make of it. Anyone for ziplining?

And Now for Something Extra!

This month, my debut novel The Intersect will be available as a free ebook through a January Book Bash promotion with Book Cave which also includes an opportunity to win a $30 gift card to be used at the ebook retailer of your choice. Plus, my second novel After the Fall will be available through a free ebook promotion with Book Funnel. So, if you’re a fan, please take a moment to share this information with your friends. And before I forget, I want to wish you and your family a healthy and happy 2021. The vaccine is just around the corner. So let’s keep our guard up until that second shot is well into our arms. Stay safe!

 

 

The Holiday Trip of a Lifetime!

If you’re like me, you won’t be traveling this holiday season. No large family gatherings. No European vacations. And no time spent mingling with friends. But, if you have a great imagination, you can really go anywhere. And let’s face it. It’s just good common sense to make the most of what we do have and to be grateful. So today, in honor of the holiday season, I’m going to share some wonderful journeys. They start and end in the home. There are no bags to pack. No hotel rooms to wipe down. The airfare is free. No masks are required. Just a little imagination.

Drum roll, please.

  1. Open the dishwasher at the end of the drying cycle and lean in. You’ve arrived for your facial at the Four Seasons Spa in Las Vegas. Hey! Where’s my champagne?
  2. You’ve just moved a load of laundry from the washer to the dryer. Hop aboard as the dryer begins its tumble. Thrill to your favorite roller-coaster as you head into the first turn.
  3. There’s a chill coming from the freezer. Close your eyes and imagine those Klondike bars are being served in beautiful Alaska where Caribou run free. Brrr. It’s a bit frosty!
  4. In the shower, the waterfalls of Hawaii speak to you. Turn up the heat. Welcome to showering outdoors on Kona.
  5. Whip up a batch of beignets. Add a mug of hot chocolate and enjoy New Orleans. Do I smell pralines?
  6. Put on the music of Harry Belafonte. Dance around the living room as you enjoy a brief excursion to Jamaica. Day-o! Day-o!
  7. Dine on pizza from your favorite take-out joint. With a glass of red, you’re back in Venice. Watch out for the pigeons.
  8. Time for a coffee break. Put your feet up on the living room coffee table. You’re back in the jungles of Costa Rica where they have the best coffee beans.
  9. Take a hot bath. Close your eyes and relax. Welcome to Israel’s Dead Sea—without all that gunky mud.
  10. Vacuuming need not be dull. You can hear the roar of Niagara Falls. Its magnificent beauty captured with each push and pull across the carpet.

This holiday season, you can be anywhere you choose. It’s completely up to you. And all it takes is a little imagination, some whimsy, and the willingness to suspend reality. Here’s wishing you and your family the best of the holiday season and a wonderful 2021. Stay safe and stay healthy.

A Little Something Extra

This week, my debut novel The Intersect will be part of a free ebook LGBTQ promotion. There’s nothing like a free ebook. It cost’s you nothing…and I earn nothing. Ho, ho, ho!

Novel Walking? Is That A Real Thing?

Something strange is going on in our house. Sometimes, the garage door is up in the afternoon. Sometimes, a cabinet door is open. The other day, I found a grilling tool in the silverware drawer. Each one of these occurrences is usually followed by a loud, “Jeff?” Surely, it must be him. I’ve got my act together.

Wrong

I admit it. I’m the culprit. I realized it the day I opened the dishwasher while it was running. It’s not that I’m losing it (please, no eye-rolling). I’m just mentally preoccupied. That’s my excuse. As a novelist, I spend an awful lot of time thinking. Not grand Albert Einstein thoughts. But just like Albert, my two favorite questions are why and how. Which by the way, Albert employed to develop the Theory of Relativity. Me? I’m working on the Theory of Relatives. The good, the bad, and the ugly. It comes in very handy when writing contemporary fiction.

Creating Your Own World

As a kid, daydreaming didn’t come naturally. I was grounded. Practical. But after years of creative writing, I’ve changed. I’m now obsessed with character development. What people say and do. It’s a mesmerizing form of play. So when Jeff suddenly appears around the house, I’ve been known to jump. After all, I’m trying to figure out a plot point. Instead of sleepwalking, I like to think I’m novel walking. The act of being mentally elsewhere even when you’re looking in the refrigerator and trying to figure out what to eat for dinner.

Who Did That?

It’s no longer a surprise when my phone goes missing. Or the pork chops on the grill are nearly incinerated. I continue to call out Jeff’s name. It’s a knee-jerk reaction. But, I know the truth. I’m focused on my new novel Boca by Moonlight which is due out June 2021. George, a recent widower, struggles to come to grips with a new life in Boca Raton. Will he find love again? Will he stay connected to his adult children? Hmm. If you’ve ever lost a parent, this might be an interesting read.

Now, Something A Little Extra

This month, we’re participating in an ebook freebie promotion that includes my debut novel The Intersect. If you have a moment, please check it out. Also, the ebook version of What’s That Growing in My Sour Cream? is available on Amazon in a 99 cent promotion through the tenth of December. 99 cents! So if you haven’t checked it out – now’s the time. And until we meet again, please stay safe. Your health matters!

But I Don’t Like Walking

Some people are fierce. They hike, run, bike—and push their limits. And then some people are more like me. They don’t even like to walk. Now, I’m not talking about the kind of walking that takes you from the sofa to the refrigerator. I do that often enough and with ease. I’m talking about the kind of walking that entails serious mileage. Why would anyone want to do that if they own a car? Simple answer: Covid-19. Gosh, this pandemic is really getting on my last nerve.

Gym

Yes, I have a favorite gym. But now, I’m staying away. This means it’s important to find a substitute to burn off the calories from the cookies I’m eating to get through the pandemic. Cookies are my drug of choice. If you have to default to sugar, my favorite is chocolate chip. Not that I need a pandemic to gorge on cookies. Chewing is just a great way to soothe yourself. Babies do it. Watch them go to town on a pacifier. Puppies do it. Chew sticks make great puppy gifts. And some grown men like cookies. But then, doesn’t everyone?

Meaningful Exercise

Weight Watchers recommends walking. One, two, or three miles. I hate it, even though I’m listening to my favorite podcast. Four, five, or six miles. Someone save me. Can I please just call an Uber? Or maybe, an ambulance? My feet are killing me. My hips ache. And that guy on a racing bicycle nearly ran me down. There’s got to be a better way to exercise when you don’t own gym equipment. Where the heck is Jack LaLanne when you need him? Oh right. Never mind.

Shut Up and Keep Walking

So with Thanksgiving upon us, it’s necessary to just keep moving. Turkey may be a healthy choice, but not when paired with all those sides. And let’s face it. The sides make the meal. As far as I’m concerned, they can nix the dry bird. But don’t screw with the mash potatoes. Or yams. Or gravy. But I will trade the green bean casserole for a serving of pumpkin pie. Two dollops of whipped cream, please.

Wishing You the Best

So here’s to you and your family. I wish you the best of the Thanksgiving holiday. Soon, this challenging year will be behind us. Next year will be better. And maybe then, we’ll all enjoy the holidays as one big happy family. Wouldn’t that be nice? And no more walking. We’ll be back at the gym where we belong. Out of the streets. Away from the bicyclists. Hopefully, sharing cookies.

 

Does Anyone Else Want to Go Shopping?

You know things are dull when a trip to the mall seems like an exciting adventure. But in the midst of Covid-19, there are just some things we aren’t doing. And shopping at your favorite retailer is probably one of them. Perhaps that explains the flood of recent bankruptcies. Sure, we all knew that Sears was holding on by their fingertips. But Steinmart, Lord & Taylor, Pier 1? It seems there’s no end to the number of stores closing their doors. And though I’m not much of a shopper, I don’t like the idea that the retail landscape is changing. And I bet I’m not the only one who feels that way.

Gimbels

My concern really started years ago when Gimbels announced it was going out. If you grew up in New York City, Gimbels was a mainstay. True, Gimbels never sponsored the Thanksgiving Day Parade. That was always Macy’s claim to fame. But Gimbels is mentioned in the Christmas holiday movie Miracle on 34th Street. Which means Gimbels was a big deal. And as the years rolled by, other stores sadly bit the dust. Think Gertz and Abraham & Strauss. As someone who has lived in many cities, I took notice. Mays (Buffalo), Famous-Barr (St. Louis), Carson Pirie Scott (Chicago), Hudson’s (Detroit), and Gump’s (San Francisco). Just shout out one of your favorite lost retailers and you’ll see that I’m right. Things are changing. And, fast.

Retail Consultant

I’ve been discussing my concerns lately with a retail consultant that lives nearby. Actually, he’s in the next room (my husband, Jeff). I’ve asked him all sorts of questions. He’s assured me that this is to be expected. There’s been a boom in online shopping and Jeff Bezos is rolling in cash. So, people are still shopping, just not in person. A few years back, Jeff explained the concept of “experiential” retail as offered by Restoration Hardware. That’s when you step into a store, check out the merchandise, and instead of leaving with the item, they deliver it to your home. The store becomes the front of the warehouse. I didn’t like the idea. And now, with Amazon, I like shopping even less. But wait! That’s one of the sites where I sell books. Lots of books. Okay—maybe Amazon isn’t so bad. But can anyone really compare an online shopping experience with an in-store visit? And now, as if things couldn’t get worse, there are whispers that shopping malls may be a thing of the past. Say it ain’t so, Joe. I mean Jeff. Say it ain’t so.

The Experience

So we’re just going to have to accept that life is changing. Groceries can be ordered online. Movies can be streamed at home. Take-out has replaced dine-in. I get it. I may not like it, but the future doesn’t ask our permission. I’ll just have to find other things to do. Like taking long walks. Riding a bicycle. Gardening. Wow. I’m in trouble. I don’t do any of those things. But then, that’s a post for another day. Here’s hoping that you’re finding a lot of alternative activities that you enjoy. And most importantly, that you’re staying healthy. Your health is precious and so are you!

Big News

What’s That Growing in My Sour Cream? has won a Bronze from Readers’ Favorite and 1st prize in humor from the Colorado Independent Publishers Association. Here’s a 3-minute sample of the audiobook which is available on Audible. If you’d prefer the paperback, here’s the Amazon link. I hear it’s an enjoyable read and the paperback is beautifully designed. A little birdie told me.

Why Travel to Europe When You Can Just As Easily Take A Drive?

When I sat down to write this week’s blog, I kept thinking about how I’d like to travel overseas. Now for those who don’t know me, I’ve never been adventurous. Even as a kid, I disliked change, unless it was on the ground waiting to be picked up. A new restaurant? Will they have what I like? A new hotel? Will I be able to figure out how to turn on the shower? So, when it comes to traveling abroad, I can be downright crabby. I hate flying through the night. Who can get any sleep? And I’m not a fan of jet lag. It plays nasty tricks with one’s inner workings. Enough said.

A Change of Heart

But recently, I’ve found myself itching to be anywhere. Anywhere, but home. Especially troubling, when there is nowhere else to be. Don’t get me wrong. Our house is nice. I shouldn’t complain. But after a time, who wants to be sitting home? It really isn’t very interesting. How many closets can your reorganize? Heck no—I haven’t been doing that—but what else is there to do? Even television is boring. There is only so much of The Nanny that I can take (yes—it’s true—I have my limits on reruns). And more and more of the content on Netflix seems suspiciously British. Am I the only one who wonders why everyone is talking with an English accent? I guess I’m just growing impatient to be out and about, exercising the old hindquarters. And until the heat breaks in Phoenix (55 days so far of over 110-degree heat), we’re locked in. Trapped.

Arizona Great Outdoors

All this pent up demand has resulted in road trips. Own a car? You’re all set. Recently, we headed up to Bearazona (cute name) where you drive through an enclosed encampment of wild black bears. Considering the heat, and their heavy black coats, the bears were fairly incapacitated. And frankly, that’s how I like it. No one wants to have a 300-lb animal chasing after the car. Nature can be truly wonderful only at a safe distance. Another weekday, we did a driving tour through the Phoenix Zoo. Not much to see in the heat, but every now and then we had a glimpse of an exotic bird. Or was it a pigeon? Oh, just close your eyes and imagine. We’ve also checked out a number of Arizona’s abandoned ghost towns. To our disappointment, most were overrun by tourists. I bet the ghosts are pretty fed up with all the traffic.

Home Sweet Home

But if you are home, may I recommend a jigsaw puzzle? If you’re not insane yet, this will do the trick. There’s one on my dining room table right now. It’s supposed to be a picture of a car. At least, that’s the photograph on the box. Me? I’m not sure how all those tiny pieces will ever come together to create a car. You could say, the jigsaw puzzle is driving me crazy. Which these days, is not a very long road trip.

Added Bonus

And now, something a little special. If you love audiobooks, check out a free sample from After the Fall. The novel is available on iTunes and Audible. And remember to stay safe. Your health is precious and so are you!

 

Why Are Giant Blueberries Flying Around the Backyard?

Growing up in New York City, you learn to cope with pigeons, mice, and waterbugs. Mostly, you run in the opposite direction. Some people have even been known to scream. Loudly. And yet, nature can be a wonderous thrill. Who doesn’t love a hike in the great outdoors? Until you come upon a “Beware of Bears” sign. That’s when some of us are easily persuaded to stay off the trail.

Home?

Now in Phoenix, we’re currently suffering through triple-digit temperatures. There’s very little outdoor activity during the day except for the occasional dip in the pool. And even that is time-limited. Thirty minutes outside is tops for the old eyeballs in the peak of the heat. After that, they burn. So, we’re forced to enjoy nature from inside our air-conditioned quarters.

Nature Abounds

Two hummingbirds live on our property and love our hummingbird feeder. At times, it feels like we rent from them. A few months back, one flew in the house seeking a shortcut to the backyard. Fortunately, we have tall glass sliders. We just opened those doors and our intruder found its way back outside. I’ve since learned to keep the doors closed at all times. After all, we’re not running a bird sanctuary. Or are we?

Nests

We have a large tree out front which is perfect for nesting birds. There’s a lot dropping out of that tree and I don’t mean leaves. I’ve used binoculars to spy on the activities, excited to see nesting doves. And though I’ve been tempted, I’ve yet to turn my binoculars on the neighbors. What would be the point? It’s hot out. Everyone has their curtains closed. Not that I noticed.

Insects

Carpenter Bees float like giant blueberries in the backyard. Wasps, like tiny helicopters, glide down to drink from the pool. We have our seasonal ducks. Sometimes behaving in shocking ways. One year, two males and a female were mating outback. We of course diverted our eyes though it was hard to miss the ruckus.

Predators

And I guess the menagerie wouldn’t be complete without giant owls. We’ve spotted one on our driveway at night. And lately, a neighbor’s cat has been wandering the property. I’m praying that the cat doesn’t run into the owl. I’ve never owned a cat, but I don’t think I’d let it roam outside. But then, I’m a scaredy-cat.

Animal Planet

During stressful times, I’ve learned that nature can provide a welcome distraction. A lesson not lost on a former New Yorker. Even if you’re just looking out the window.

Added Bonus

This month What’s That Growing in My Sour Cream? will be part of a Funny Books promotion. After the Fall will be participating in a Young Adult Coming of Age promotion running from August 4th through the 11th. If you get a chance, please take a moment to check out these promotions. And please stay safe. Your health is so very important.

The Kitchen Is Closed!

I’ve been thinking a lot about my Mom lately. It isn’t a special anniversary or a birthday month. And it isn’t that Mom recently passed. She’s been gone since 1990. But my thoughts keep drifting back to her. The effort she put into our family. And how she prepared us to take care of ourselves.

I Don’t Want to Make the Salad!

My Mom worked a full-time job when I was growing up.  That made me a latch key kid.  And because Mom worked in Manhattan, she had an hour-long commute. That commute began with a ten-minute walk up a hill to reach the bus that took her to the subway. In New York City, that’s called a two-fare zone. For Mom, it meant thirty minutes on a bus and another thirty minutes on a subway to get to Manhattan.

Other Errands Too?

On occasion, I helped out. Nothing major. Setting the table. Defrosting a steak in the sink. Over time, it transitioned to making a salad. Throwing a load in a washing machine. Going to the grocery store. All the things little boys don’t want to do and don’t want to be seen doing. Mom needed help and since she was important, I obliged.

Some Skills Are Worth Knowing

Given time, I became a fairly domesticated kid. So when I went off to college, I knew how to take care of myself. And though I still hate to do the laundry, I can do it. Though in our house, Jeff’s the laundry guy. He’s better at stain removal. It seems we spill a lot. And he likes doing it. Trust me. Send your laundry here. You’ll make him very happy.

Not the Kitchen

As for cooking, I remain the go-to-guy. Do I like it? Nope. Can I do it? Sure. And, over the last few months, I’ve prepared a variety of dishes. I’ve even baked a cake or two. If anything, social distancing has enhanced my kitchen skills. I guess practice makes perfect. Without a restaurant to go to, I’m kind of stuck. Would I prefer to eat out? You bet. But until we can do that safely, I’m in that kitchen twice a day making lunch and dinner. For breakfast, you’re on your own. Except on Sunday. That’s when my Dad made pancakes. I try to keep that tradition alive.

Childhood Memories

How did my Mom prepare all those meals for all those years and not go insane? It defies the imagination. And so this whole lockdown experience gives me a new respect for mothers. Each night, as we clear the table and load the dishwasher, I hear my Mom’s voice cry out. Tired from a long day at the office, eager to relax, she’d tell the family, “The kitchen is closed!” I totally get that sentiment. Amen, Mom. Amen.

And Now For Something Extra

In honor of Pride Month, check out the ebooks being offered from June 15th through June 22nd as part of a Pride Freebie Promotion. If you haven’t read The Intersect, this is your chance to download a copy. Just click on this hyperlink.

In addition, I’m participating in a Satirical Humor Promotion from June 17th through June 30th with What’s That Growing in My Sour Cream? Check out the promotion by clicking on this hyperlink. 

Stay safe and healthy!

Q is for Quarantine and Questions. Lots of Questions.

Like everyone these days, Jeff and I have been locked in our house for nearly nine weeks. And like any married couple, we’ve had a few tense moments. Through it, we’ve learned a lot about who we are. Okay. Mostly, who I am. And it seems that I am a person who is full of questions. Lots of questions. Which can be asked in any order throughout the day, over and over again. Here are the top four contenders.

Where Are You?

I don’t like people who lurk around corners. And since I’m hard of hearing, Jeff pops up at the darndest times. I’m always surprised. He often says “I live here, too!” and I guess he does. But I still think it might be a good idea to tie a bell around his neck. And then, when things are too quiet and I want to share a bit of news, I have to hunt him down. Is he in the bathroom? Why isn’t the door shut? On a zoom call for business? How was I supposed to know? Outside in triple-digit heat watering the plants? Have at it. I’ll talk to you later.

What’s That Noise?

I like to know what’s going on in my world. So when random sounds invade the peace, I’m always curious. Has Jeff fallen? Did he drop his coffee cup? Is it the air conditioner turning off and on? Or is that the refrigerator humming? I’m learning a lot about the noises in our house. Especially the ones coming from the office next door.

What Are You Doing?

My mother used to say: “If you’re bored, you’re boring.” Unfortunately, I’ve been bored a lot. So, I’m always interested in what Jeff is doing. It certainly beats what I’m doing (struggling to write a third novel, doing a crossword puzzle, checking out Facebook and Twitter).  Jeff’s a news junky, loves to read People, and is fascinated by retail (his whole family is). Me? Not so much. Still, I like to be in the know.

Are You Okay?

The last and final question. This one pops up a lot. Especially when we’re binging on This is Us. Each episode demands a box of Kleenex. I call it heartbreakingly satisfying programming. I love that all your questions about the Pearson family will eventually be answered if you continue to watch episode after episode. Generation after generation. Heartbreak after heartbreak. Sigh. What a wonderful show!

And Now Some News

If you love audiobooks, After the Fall is now available through Audible. In addition, After the Fall will be participating in a group promotion for LGBT Audiobooks running from 5/27-6/3. Please take a moment to check it out.

Yes…I’m Afraid of Eggshells

Everyone has their phobias. Some people are afraid of spiders. In Arizona, we have Tarantulas. Big, black, and furry. You can see them from a distance, which is where I stand when I see one. And yes, I’ve seen a Tarantula. In Jerome, one of Arizona’s historic towns, I spotted a Tarantula crossing the road (I know—that sounds like a set up for a gag). God only knows where the Tarantula was heading. I didn’t follow it. Now friends tell me, you needn’t travel far in Arizona to see a Tarantula. I say, talk like that makes folks want to move to Florida!

Eggshells

Not many people claim a fear of eggshells. But then, I’m not most people. Truth be told, this fear makes me worry over hardboiled eggs. I’m so concerned, that egg salad has been banned from our kitchen unless I personally handle the deshelling. Why you might ask, am I so distrusting? It could be because of my upbringing. The fact is, my mother couldn’t break an egg if her life depended on it. There always seemed to be an eggshell somewhere. Instead of calling her Mom, we should have changed her name to Shelly.

Fish Bones

Another pet peeve of mine is fish bones. No one wants to bite into a lovely piece of fish and discover a fishbone in their mouth. You could choke if you accidentally swallow it. But, it’s also considered indelicate during a meal to use one’s fingers to retrieve the bone. Instead, I grab my throat and make a loud, wretching noise. Others look away in horror. That’s when I spit the offending bone onto the plate. Problem solved!

Doomsday Clock

Certainly, there are more frightening things in life than Tarantulas, eggshells, and fishbones. I recently read that the World’s Doomsday Clock is now 100 seconds to midnight. Where’s Rod Serling when you need him? Which reminds me. With time running out, have you had a chance to read my novels The Intersect and After the Fall? It’s never too late you know. Until it is. Happy reading!

 

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