fortune cookies

Calorie Counting: Is This Why I Learned to Add?

Let’s agree at the start. Nothing ruins a meal faster than calorie counting. But then, if you follow my blog, this should be no surprise. Because I like to eat. And so I especially hate seeing the calorie count on a restaurant menu. No matter what I want to order, the calorie count always seems too high. But what if we leave out the butter? Leave out the cream. Eliminate the pasta. Hmm. Maybe, I should just order a hard-boiled egg and a glass of water. Is that on the menu?

Food Is Meant to be Enjoyed

When I go out to dine, I want to enjoy my meal. Not be reminded to watch my weight. That should be the exclusive purview of the doctor’s office and the snickering nurse who jots down my weight when I step on the scale. What do you mean I’m ten pounds heavier than last year? Haven’t you heard of Covid? Clearly, the stress of the pandemic has forced me to retain water. Which by the way, is very eco-friendly considering we live in the Arizona desert. What do you mean retaining water isn’t the same if you’re not a camel? Well, I beg to differ.

Tricks on the Scale

I’ve tried a few tricks to keep the needle on the scale from bouncing too high. By the way, holding in your gut doesn’t work. But removing shoes, wallet, phone, and anything else in your pockets will. And then, when you step on the scale, point a finger and say to the nurse, “Look. Over there.” That gives you enough time to hop off the scale, deduct ten pounds, and announce your preferred weight. The same weight you use when renewing your driver’s license. And who is the DMV to doubt your word? Heck, it’s not like your Mom works there.

Gluten-Free

Now, I totally get the need for gluten-free options. No one should suffer a bellyache because they can’t process wheat, rye, and barley. Lately, I’ve noticed that I’m also suffering a bit of a bellyache after eating. But I’m guessing it’s more about portion size. Years ago, I learned that a serving of protein should be about the size of your fist. Based on the current price of meat, that seems all anyone can afford. Which of course makes following that recommendation manageable. As for vegetables, the sky’s the limit. Oh goody. That clears up that worry.

Now for a Little Something Extra!

This month, we’re offering a free excerpt of Boca by Moonlight through a joint promotion with over 40 other authors called Stories of Choice and Change. If you have a moment, please check it out. It’s a great way to get a sneak peek at the novel and meet other authors too. Until we next connect, enjoy the month of January!

If Only Your Dog Could Talk…

Dogs are special. They have the ability to stare into our eyes, and instinctively, we know exactly what they want. But just imagine if they could actually talk and tell us their deepest, darkest, thoughts. I wonder what those conversations might be like.

“Move Over. You’re Hogging the Bed”

Who hasn’t cuddled up with Fido, only to find your dog pushing you out of the bed with his paws? And dogs can be so warm when they press up against you. I’m always surprised by friends who share their bed with pups weighing in excess of sixty pounds. I can’t imagine how that plays out as Fido jabs a paw into your face. Or your gut. Or pokes you in the butt. It’s got to hurt.

“Your Breath Stinks”

Morning mouth is not unique to your dog. Dog owners also need to brush their teeth. For that matter, you can always tell when your breath has soured. Instead of poking a nose at your butt, your dog heads straight for your mouth. And you think all those kisses are because they love you.

“Haven’t You Had Enough to Eat? Feed Me!”

You and your dog both love to eat. But only one of you is in charge of the food. A few years back, a piece of my dog’s kibble shot across the kitchen counter. I only found it later in the morning. Being a human scavenger, and after a long session at the gym, I picked it up, smelled it, and wondered what it was. Could it be something from my husband’s breakfast cereal? A bit of cracker from an earlier snack? Why did it look so odd? And why, if I wasn’t sure what it was, did I pop it in my mouth? Gasping and coughing once I realized the true nature of the edible, I caught my dog smirking at me. That day we agreed: his food is his, and my food, well, when it falls to the floor, that’s also his.

“Life Is Short. Go For a Walk!”

Your dog always knows when to go out and exercise. Why don’t you? And if I could catch a ball in my mouth, well, that would be amazing. Truth be told, I wasn’t always the greatest athlete. And despite how most fans feel, I’d prefer to see a baseball game behind protective netting, assured that a foul ball won’t come my way. Let others grab for that wayward baseball. I’m too busy covering my head, waiting to be knocked out cold.

“Regularity is a Blessing”

It must be nice to do everything in a timely manner. Even one’s bathroom habits. Envy your dog’s ability to take care of business twice a day. It all seems so spontaneous and healthy. No laxatives. No probiotics. If only…

Something Extra!

And now for something a little extra. This week, Boca by Moonlight will be part of the Jewish Book Council’s introductory session. I will have two minutes on a National Zoom Call to discuss the novel. It’s exciting and a little nerve-racking. In celebration of the event, I’m going to offer a free excerpt. Just click here to check out the novel. Happy reading!

Ten Reasons Why Your Workout May Not Be Working Out!

If you’re like me, you pride yourself on being physically active. But there comes a time when we just have to admit that our efforts may not be producing the desired effect.

Fitness Guru?

Are you kidding? I’m just like you. But recently, I’ve become aware of some interesting trends. Let’s see how many of these you recognize:

  1. Chocolate peanut butter cups are not the ideal snack. Creamy and yummy, for sure, but they won’t help you attain that perfect physique. Unless you’re going for the round look.
  2. In-between meal snacks are not the calorie-burning workout you imagined. True, you must walk to the kitchen (walking is a great way to burn calories). Then, open the refrigerator (thank goodness for strong biceps). You’re engaging jaw muscles as you chew. But there is no “kitchen set-up” at the gym for those of us who enjoy this form of exercise. If there was, I’m certain membership would skyrocket.
  3. It’s far better to zip it (your mouth) than rip it (open a bag of potato chips). And if you must give in to that bag of chips, don’t dip it. That’s where all the calories are. Sour cream dips are especially troublesome. Delicious, but troublesome.
  4. The mirror can be your friend. But you have to face it. And then, you have to look into it. I’m not a fan. Personally, I think mirrors should be covered when we’re nude. Just like in a Jewish house of shiva. Please, show some respect!
  5. Carbs are best eaten when you’re lonely. Or with friends. Or when thinking about challenging family members. In short, carbs are the perfect food group.
  6. Ice cream should never be consumed on an empty stomach. It always tastes better after you’ve overeaten. I think it’s the extra cream in the recipe.
  7. That pain in your abs isn’t from crunches. It’s more likely gas from that spicy Mexican meal you’re still digesting from the previous night. Ole!
  8. Grocery shopping is not a contact sport. Carts are not weapons. Beware the senior who rams your butt. No, they are not sorry. And yes, you did deserve it.
  9. If you must run, make sure you’re being chased. There’s little point in breaking a speed record unless your life is at risk.
  10. Stretching and yoga are terrific if your name is Gumby. Not so much if your name is Brad. Holding your body in an unnatural pose can only result in painful muscle pulls. Ask your chiropractor. Better yet, ask mine.

And Now for A Little Something Extra!

I’m excited that Boca by Moonlight has been so well-received. If you haven’t had a chance to check out the novel, please take a look at the book trailer. And then go ahead and download the free excerpt. The novel will be a 2022 Jewish Book Council selection. And it has won 1st Place in Adult Fiction from the Arizona Chapter of the National Federation of Press Women. Exciting stuff!

Were You Raised in a Barn?

Growing up in NYC, when things got too messy, my mother would accuse us all of being raised in a barn. Which is an odd thing to say since she was in charge of the housework. Still, there are times as an adult when I look around and think, definitely barnyard. Okay. So there are no cows or chickens anywhere. And the only silos are the stacks on my desk. But isn’t that what writers do? Create piles. At least, that’s what I’ve decided. And yes, I’m committed to one day curating each of the stacks into files. One day. But not today. Today, well, to be honest, it’s all just too much. Did I just hear a cow moo? 

Why is it so hard to Clean Up? 

We all know people who are meticulously organized. We snicker and call them anal-retentive. No one wants to be known as anal-retentive. It sounds like a disease acquired in childhood. Something that happened around toilet training. A period of time most of us can’t remember. Or, we might hear people identify as OCD. As if wiping down the counter with a sponge could ever be obsessive-compulsive. Especially if you’re in the habit of wiping the crumbs from the counter onto the floor. Hmm. I swear I just heard a cow moo.

Why is Everything so Messy? 

It just seems that when I worked outside of the house, coming home was a wonderful thing. You could relax. Kick your shoes off. Enjoy the quiet. But now, at home, I notice every dust bunny that floats by.  Another good reason not to have tile floors. Living in Phoenix, I just close my eyes and pretend they are tumbleweeds. And lately, I’ve even spotted a layer of dust gathering on the living room furniture. I’m tempted to write my name in it. But if I do, well, I’d have to dust. I think it’s better to just stay out of that room altogether. What you can’t see, can’t hurt you. 

Spiders 

I’ve spotted a few spider webs gathering in the corner by the windows. It’s wonderful how nature creates its own little cleaning crew for tiny bugs. I’m reminded of the Munsters. That house was always covered in cobwebs. Mockingbird Lane and Lily’s housekeeping left a lot to be desired. Surely it’s time to grab a dustbuster or something and take care of the mess. But then, I have other things to do. What they are, I haven’t quite decided. Ahh, my mother was right. I must have been raised in a barn! 

Now for Something a Little Extra!

The reviews are coming in on Boca by Moonlight. And it has just won first place in the Arizona Chapter of the National Federation of Professional Writers at-large communications contest. It’s exciting to see the novel find an appreciative audience. So, if you haven’t had a chance to check it out yet, please give the book trailer a peek. And enjoy the rest of the month of March! 

Zoom: When Can We Go Back to Face-to-Face Meetings?

I’ve participated in a lot of Zoom meetings over the past twelve months. Mostly, professional meetings with other writers. And though it’s a great way to connect, there is a downside. For one, Zoom projects your “live” image on the screen. This means you’re forced to look at yourself. And if the meeting goes on for an hour or more, that’s a lot of camera time. Of course, you can always change the viewing mode from “group” to “speaker”. But that doesn’t really help. Somehow, my eye always manages to track back to the little box with my name on it. Oh! There I am. The one slouching.

So How Do I Look?

By now, I should know the answer. Zoom is like sitting in front of a mirror. For some, that might be a good thing. For me? Not so much. And why would anyone ever want to do that? Well, it’s probably fine for the world’s most beautiful people. But none of them ever pops in on the screen when I hit “join with video”.  Not Brad Pitt. Not Brad Paisley. Not Bradley Cooper. Nope. Just me. Brad Graber. My face. And let me tell you—I can use a little bit of sun.

Is This The Right Angle?

There’s supposedly a lot you can do to improve the way you look on Zoom. Something about lighting and placement of the camera. I don’t bother with those details. Instead, I wonder if I have a good side. So I shift about, adjusting my laptop to try to get just the right angle. My grandmother used to say that some people look better from a distance. This makes me wonder if I should set my laptop on the other side of the room.  Hmm. Now there’s a thought.

Lift Your Head

I’ve noticed my head drooping halfway through any Zoom session. My mouth hangs open as if I’m about to ask a question. I’m not. I’m just getting drowsy. Surely no one would object if I took a snooze with my eyes open. Or would they? Instead, I blink hard and struggle to stay awake. It might be age—but I say it’s the Zoom Glow. Zoom is zooming me out. Like hypnosis. Did someone just ask me to quack like a duck? If they did, I probably would.

Fellow Zoomers

I’ve been impressed by my fellow Zoomers. Especially the women. They all look wonderful from my side of the desk. That is—when I’m not busy staring at myself. The women have particularly excellent posture. And amazing poise and manner. During one Zoom session, a pervert commandeered the screen. The Zoom was hacked. And for a minute or two, we were all shocked to watch an adult man do very adult things. Modesty prevents me from going into further detail.  Let’s just say that when I was a kid living in New York City, flashers were spotted around town. Now, they’ve upped their game. Welcome to the virtual world.

Now for Something Extra

This week we’re doing a special .99 cent ebook Amazon promotion for After the Fall through April 9th. If you haven’t had a chance to grab a copy of the ebook, this would be the time. And the good news is that the ebook has hit Amazon’s Best Seller List landing in the #10 spot. Of course, those rankings change by the moment. But I took a picture of it anyway. And finally, I may be a bit late, but I’d like to wish you and your family a Happy Easter and Passover. May we all gather together in a huge celebration when the pandemic is finally over. We can do it on Zoom!

 

Why Travel to Europe When You Can Just As Easily Take A Drive?

When I sat down to write this week’s blog, I kept thinking about how I’d like to travel overseas. Now for those who don’t know me, I’ve never been adventurous. Even as a kid, I disliked change, unless it was on the ground waiting to be picked up. A new restaurant? Will they have what I like? A new hotel? Will I be able to figure out how to turn on the shower? So, when it comes to traveling abroad, I can be downright crabby. I hate flying through the night. Who can get any sleep? And I’m not a fan of jet lag. It plays nasty tricks with one’s inner workings. Enough said.

A Change of Heart

But recently, I’ve found myself itching to be anywhere. Anywhere, but home. Especially troubling, when there is nowhere else to be. Don’t get me wrong. Our house is nice. I shouldn’t complain. But after a time, who wants to be sitting home? It really isn’t very interesting. How many closets can your reorganize? Heck no—I haven’t been doing that—but what else is there to do? Even television is boring. There is only so much of The Nanny that I can take (yes—it’s true—I have my limits on reruns). And more and more of the content on Netflix seems suspiciously British. Am I the only one who wonders why everyone is talking with an English accent? I guess I’m just growing impatient to be out and about, exercising the old hindquarters. And until the heat breaks in Phoenix (55 days so far of over 110-degree heat), we’re locked in. Trapped.

Arizona Great Outdoors

All this pent up demand has resulted in road trips. Own a car? You’re all set. Recently, we headed up to Bearazona (cute name) where you drive through an enclosed encampment of wild black bears. Considering the heat, and their heavy black coats, the bears were fairly incapacitated. And frankly, that’s how I like it. No one wants to have a 300-lb animal chasing after the car. Nature can be truly wonderful only at a safe distance. Another weekday, we did a driving tour through the Phoenix Zoo. Not much to see in the heat, but every now and then we had a glimpse of an exotic bird. Or was it a pigeon? Oh, just close your eyes and imagine. We’ve also checked out a number of Arizona’s abandoned ghost towns. To our disappointment, most were overrun by tourists. I bet the ghosts are pretty fed up with all the traffic.

Home Sweet Home

But if you are home, may I recommend a jigsaw puzzle? If you’re not insane yet, this will do the trick. There’s one on my dining room table right now. It’s supposed to be a picture of a car. At least, that’s the photograph on the box. Me? I’m not sure how all those tiny pieces will ever come together to create a car. You could say, the jigsaw puzzle is driving me crazy. Which these days, is not a very long road trip.

Added Bonus

And now, something a little special. If you love audiobooks, check out a free sample from After the Fall. The novel is available on iTunes and Audible. And remember to stay safe. Your health is precious and so are you!

 

Once Upon a Time, We Had Walter Cronkite

We used to have faith in America in the truth. Facts were facts and there was trust that our media was fair and accurate. I remember those days. We didn’t question what was being reported. No one wondered whether Walter Cronkite was lying. Back then, the news was about the facts—not opinion. What we heard and saw, we believed to be true.

Have Times Changed?

The mantra today for authors is to avoid politics. You’ll risk losing readers. No one needs to read the opinion of a fiction writer who spins make-believe. Then what about Steinbeck, Orwell, Baldwin, Sinclair, or Rand, to name but a few? Each held up a mirror to reveal an American truth. Isn’t that part of the reason why we read fiction?

Ear to the Ground

Stop long enough and you can hear conversations everywhere. Or can you? Friends and families no longer engage in political discussion. We’re trying to keep the peace. And most of us have reached the saturation point. We’re worn down. Isn’t this the real danger? We no longer debate. We can’t decipher “truth” from the noise because we can’t hear what is even being said. And when we do, we don’t believe it.

Is It Time to Issue A Cancellation Notice?

I’m tired of the back and forth. The blurring of the truth. The politicizing of the facts. Opinions that pass as news stories. Does one lie lead to a thousand? How many lies are okay? How many lies are too many? Isn’t lying enough of a reason to draw a line in the sand?

2021

As we look ahead to the New Year, I hope Americans can come together and heal. That’s my solemn wish. No matter which side we fall on, we work best when we work together. Even if we disagree, there is a way to do it amicably. Respectfully. We owe it to ourselves and the next generation to set an example. I hope we’ll do just that.

Added Bonus

This month, What’s That Growing in My Sour Cream? will be part of a Summer Laughs promotion. Take a moment to check it out. And please stay safe. Your health is so very important.

Why Are Giant Blueberries Flying Around the Backyard?

Growing up in New York City, you learn to cope with pigeons, mice, and waterbugs. Mostly, you run in the opposite direction. Some people have even been known to scream. Loudly. And yet, nature can be a wonderous thrill. Who doesn’t love a hike in the great outdoors? Until you come upon a “Beware of Bears” sign. That’s when some of us are easily persuaded to stay off the trail.

Home?

Now in Phoenix, we’re currently suffering through triple-digit temperatures. There’s very little outdoor activity during the day except for the occasional dip in the pool. And even that is time-limited. Thirty minutes outside is tops for the old eyeballs in the peak of the heat. After that, they burn. So, we’re forced to enjoy nature from inside our air-conditioned quarters.

Nature Abounds

Two hummingbirds live on our property and love our hummingbird feeder. At times, it feels like we rent from them. A few months back, one flew in the house seeking a shortcut to the backyard. Fortunately, we have tall glass sliders. We just opened those doors and our intruder found its way back outside. I’ve since learned to keep the doors closed at all times. After all, we’re not running a bird sanctuary. Or are we?

Nests

We have a large tree out front which is perfect for nesting birds. There’s a lot dropping out of that tree and I don’t mean leaves. I’ve used binoculars to spy on the activities, excited to see nesting doves. And though I’ve been tempted, I’ve yet to turn my binoculars on the neighbors. What would be the point? It’s hot out. Everyone has their curtains closed. Not that I noticed.

Insects

Carpenter Bees float like giant blueberries in the backyard. Wasps, like tiny helicopters, glide down to drink from the pool. We have our seasonal ducks. Sometimes behaving in shocking ways. One year, two males and a female were mating outback. We of course diverted our eyes though it was hard to miss the ruckus.

Predators

And I guess the menagerie wouldn’t be complete without giant owls. We’ve spotted one on our driveway at night. And lately, a neighbor’s cat has been wandering the property. I’m praying that the cat doesn’t run into the owl. I’ve never owned a cat, but I don’t think I’d let it roam outside. But then, I’m a scaredy-cat.

Animal Planet

During stressful times, I’ve learned that nature can provide a welcome distraction. A lesson not lost on a former New Yorker. Even if you’re just looking out the window.

Added Bonus

This month What’s That Growing in My Sour Cream? will be part of a Funny Books promotion. After the Fall will be participating in a Young Adult Coming of Age promotion running from August 4th through the 11th. If you get a chance, please take a moment to check out these promotions. And please stay safe. Your health is so very important.

Is It Time to Stop Saying, “I’m Just Saying”?

We’ve had a lot of discussion in our house lately about the phrase I’m just saying. To be honest, I’ve come to use it quite a bit when something I’ve uttered hasn’t landed well. Believe it or not, that happens now and then. Sometimes more often than I care to admit. I’m just saying becomes the awkward default. The three words that you can toss out to try and save the day. Lessen the blow. Ease the tension.

So Why Use It At All?

Which of course has gotten me to thinking. Why would I even say I’m just saying? It’s already obvious that I’m the one speaking. Do I really think adding an I’m just saying will make everything magically alright? I must. At least based on how often I use it.

Top Reasons?

So what are the top reasons for employing this pesky phrase?

  1. To give the illusion of not being too vested in what I just said. Though of course, I am. Otherwise, why would I have even said it?
  2. To try to present as being flexible. Translation: I’m open to further discussion on the matter. Reality: Good luck getting me to change my mind.
  3. To fill that awkward silence when someone stares back in disbelief about what I’ve uttered. Perhaps an apology might be a better choice, but then, I’d have to humble myself and admit a mistake. Now there’s a challenge!
  4. To explain away that awful rant after someone has cut me off in traffic. No, I don’t really want them to rot in hell. Even if they failed to use their turn signal.

Own It

I believe it’s important to think before we speak. To remember that words can hurt. But when all else fails, a simple I’m just saying might lessen the blow. After all, it’s just a hop, skip, and a jump from it’s my opinion and it’s very true. I’m just saying.

 

When Standing Back Is Actually Good for You!

Another July 4th has come and gone with all the hoopla the Holiday entails. And though I love fireworks as much as the next guy, it can be very hard on dogs. Our four-legged friends freak when they hear the bombs bursting in air. I, on the other hand, am reminded of a troubling incident from my childhood. Now, it didn’t happen on July 4th and there were no dogs around. It wasn’t even something that directly happened to me. But it caused enough concern that I’ve always been leery about fireworks.

Bottle Rockets

When I was a boy, a friend of mine was hanging around with some older teens who were shooting off bottle rockets. Debris landed in his right eye. He was instantly blinded. And though he and I were friends, I never asked him about that afternoon. Maybe I was afraid of upsetting him. Maybe, I was scared to find out how he really felt. Or maybe, that’s just how kids are. Ignoring the messy details in life. Making do until they grow up.

Memories

Okay. So not all memories are good. But, they can be instructive. For a kid (me) who was already deaf in one ear, the thought of losing sight in an eye was scary. My friend’s accident taught me that life can be unfair. Bad things can happen. Especially, if you’re not paying attention. Like if you’re looking up to watch a bottle rocket go off. You could be blinded. Or maybe walking down a New York City street. You could be mugged. Or perhaps, smelling the roses. There might be a bee nearby.

The Power of Now

So lately, I’ve been reading Eckart Tolle’s, “The Power of Now”. It’s intense. So intense that I seem to be only able to manage a few pages each day as I struggle to absorb the wisdom. But one of the key points is we must not be ruled by time, past and future. Such preoccupation leads to anxiety and dis-ease. Hmm? There may be a lot for me to learn here. I like the idea of freeing oneself from dis-ease. Perhaps that’s the source of my intense snacking habit. In the interim, I will practice looking up the next time fireworks are on display. After all, I just might be standing far enough away for the show to be safe!

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