where's the toilet paper? Archives | Brad Graber | The Intersect

Say, I Do!

There’s nothing like a family wedding to bring out the need to raid one’s closet for appropriate attire. In our house, we’re a casual duo. Jeans without sneakers is a dressy night out. So, you can imagine the activity when a wedding invitation arrived that requested formal attire. We immediately Googled to find out what that meant for men. Do we have to wear tuxedos? Oh, good. Dark suits would suffice. But wait. The last time I wore a dark suit was in 2019 when I attended my nephew’s wedding. And that suit wasn’t new then. Fortunately, men’s styles don’t change much. Lapels may widen and narrow. Jacket lengths dip and rise. But no one is expecting us to show up in something cutting-edge like Ryan Gosling wore in Barbie. That would just be silly. Surely, I could wear the same suit I’ve owned since Noah unloaded the ark. But would it still fit? Why not? I work out. I eat right. It’s possible.

Trust Me. It’s Not Possible.

In just a few short years, my suit has shrunk. Not the jacket. That still fits perfectly. My arms aren’t any longer. Surprising, considering that I like to hang on a chin-up bar at the gym (it relieves tightness in my shoulders). As for the pants, well, just between us, my dry cleaner is lucky I never sued. The pants have lost at least an inch around the circumference. And yes, I could close them (barely). I’d be fine for standing around, but what if I wanted to sit down? I’m not sure I could do it. And god forbid the top button popped off. I might severely injure someone in the direct line of fire.

Cookies, Cake, and Candy. Yum.

Let’s face it. The years of Covid have been tough on the old waistline. Yes, I admit to the occasional slice of cake. And yes, I’m a sucker for Cadbury’s Fruit & Nut chocolate bar. Doesn’t the fruit make it a healthier choice? And how could I pass on Whole Foods chocolate chip cookies? Oh, who am I kidding? Anyone’s chocolate chip cookies are good. Even the bad ones.

Off to the Tailor.

I just wish I didn’t have to see the look on the tailor’s face when he adjusts the waistline. Maybe I’m projecting, but I think he’ll be genuinely disappointed in me. Like I forgot to share all my tasty treats with him. I just hope he leaves me enough room to devour the box of Valentine’s candy still sitting in the closet. I’m partial to Sees. But then, I’d never turn down Ghiradelli. Heck, who am I kidding? If it’s chocolate, I’m always willing to give it a taste. And if you mix it with peanut butter, I might even taste it twice!

And Now for Something a Little Extra!

My new novel Friends for A Season is on schedule for a late 2024 release date. It’s an intergenerational story between an older woman and a college student, each struggling to cope with life’s challenges. In the meantime, if you haven’t had a chance to check out my debut novel, The Intersect, here are two free sample chapters from the ebook. Grab it here. And have a great February!

Is Disappointment Just A Part of Life?

November 11, 2023
Brad Graber
Growing Older, Whimsical Observations on Life

For those of you who’ve been reading my blog, you know that last month I had surgery on my right ear to remove a tumor that had rendered me totally deaf. I was already deaf in my left as a result of a childhood illness. The doctor had promised a complete recovery—and that my hearing would be “better than ever before”. But what he didn’t say at the time was that it would take three months for the hearing in my right ear to fully return. On the bright side, I can hear now. But I’m only at 50% of my former hearing. I guess sometimes, our expectations exceed what nature has planned. Of course, it makes sense that my ear would need time to heal. And I’m certainly grateful we live in a world where this kind of surgery can be done. But to be honest, the disappointment over the immediate results has sent me into a funk. And I’m sure that I’m not the only patient who ever went through a procedure hoping to be quickly back to 100% once it was over.

Buck Up

You’d think it would be hard to wallow in self-pity when you’ve had such a good life. Well, take it from me. It’s not hard. That said, there are things I’ve learned through all this, and so, in the spirit of sharing, I thought I’d pass them along:

One way to view a personal struggle is to consider it a character-building moment. How we manage through the experience says a lot about who we are. You can choose to handle it well or poorly. I assure you, handling it poorly doesn’t make anyone feel any better. Certainly not you, and definitely not your family.
When frustrated, it’s not a bad idea to challenge yourself to a game. For me, I’ve searched for other ways to say “what”—a word I say a lot these days. So far, I’ve come up with “excuse me”, “pardon”, and when I’m in the mood to laugh, “hey” with a palm held up to my ear like an old codger. If you have any other suggestions, please let me know.
Everyone has their problems. But if you’re lucky, when you face a challenge, others will jump in and share it with you. I’ve been lucky. So many people have gone out of their way to wish me well. Those kind words have meant a lot.
When it comes to your health, you have to be your own best advocate. Sadly, I allowed my hearing loss to go on way too long before finally connecting with a surgeon. Had I pressed for a CT Scan sooner, the tumor would have been found earlier. Live and learn.
Every day is a gift. But that gift can either be a lump of coal or a lovely bouquet. It all depends on what you’re expecting. So try, if you can, to remain positive. I hear it’s worth the effort.

And Now, Something Extra!

This month, I thought I’d share a video of Gilda Radner as Emily Litella from Saturday Night Live. Emily always seemed to get everything wrong. Did she need a hearing aid? Probably. But I definitely identified with her over the last few weeks. So take a moment to step back and laugh along with Gilda, Emily, and me. And be sure to have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

I Feel Fine…I Think

My recent physical is now well behind me. I thought it a good idea to get a baseline once I moved into a new age category. If you fill out surveys, you’ll know the age bracket that I’m referring to. It’s the last one on the list. Usually displayed with a “+” sign as if any age past it really isn’t worth mentioning. It’s not a good feeling.

What’s Your Blood Pressure?

I’ve been concerned lately about my blood pressure so I purchased a blood pressure monitor through Amazon. The problem is that I get nervous as soon as I put the cuff on my arm. I don’t want to have hypertension. I don’t want to take medication. And I don’t want to keep the blood pressure monitor. The lesson? Hypochondriacs should not be allowed to own medical equipment.

My Vitals

Stroke and cancer run in my family. Sadly, our women tend to check out early. And who can blame them? The men aren’t easy to get along with. And trust me when I say that there’s nothing sadder than a group of men left to their own devices. It’s like belonging to a collection of feral cats. No one gets along. And there’s no way to unite them. Whatever hope there was, lies out in the cemetery. And the last time I checked, holiday meals aren’t served on headstones.

Male Cousins

I have quite a few male cousins who’ve died young. But no one in the family is willing to talk about how they actually died—as if the truth might hurt someone’s feelings. If information is power, in our family, secrecy reigns supreme. I’ve left clear instructions that if anything happens to me, I want the gritty details included in my obituary. And any holiday cards, too. That ought to add a bit of cheer to the season!

Last Laugh

My financial planner has projected that my funds need to last me through the age of 92. I think he’s lost his mind. If I clear 85, I’ll consider it a win. Though 100 might be nice. That will give me plenty of time to finish my fifth book which I’m currently working on. Is the writing going slowly? You bet. I’d like to say, it’s because I’m savoring every moment. But who am I kidding? The truth is, being an author is challenging when you’re a perfectionist. Each day, I wonder if I’ll live long enough to see this next book finished. There are just so many hurdles one can manage. Right now, writing the first draft is just about my limit. Has anyone seen my blood pressure cuff?

Something Extra

This month, I’m participating in a Women’s Fiction promotion. If you haven’t had a chance to read After the Fall, this is your chance to check out the first two chapters. Just click here and take a look at all the wonderful authors participating. And until we meet again, have a terrific April. Happy reading!

Is it Time to Get A Life?

If you’ve ever looked up and said, “what am I doing, what time is it, where am I?”, then you just might be engrossed in social media; lost somewhere between the dog videos (I love them) and teens tap dancing to swing tunes from the big band era. Darn, those kids know how to move.

New To Social Media?

Until recently, I’ve never really been a fan of social media. Sure, I’m on Facebook I mean, Meta. Though no one outside of the IT Industry uses the name Meta no matter how much they promote it. I have both an author and a personal account but mostly scroll through Facebook to keep up with friends and family. And based on what I’m seeing, I know a lot of happy, well-traveled people, who love to eat. I’m glad. I like to travel (to the gym or the grocery store) and I love to eat. But as far as being happy, well, I’m a Capricorn (the goat). Happiness is not really my natural state. I tend to run a bit grumpy. Not necessarily on the outside. The exterior presents as okay. All the roiling is happening under the surface. But if you’re a happy Capricorn, let me know. I’d like to learn your secret.

Twitter

I’m also on Twitter. That’s a different crowd. Very political. People who are dissatisfied with the status quo. They expect the world to be a better place. They’re kind of suspicious, angry, and judgemental. On Twitter, everyone speaks their truth (whether it’s true or not). It reminds me of attending a party when you don’t quite mesh with the other guests. Strong opinions are expressed and folks may not get along. If you enjoy that level of mental stimulation, you’d love Twitter.

Now, we’re talking business! See how I did that little wordplay? LinkedIn is mainly targeted at the business world. Need a new job? Want to network with other professionals in your industry? Have a bit of business wisdom to promote? You’re in the right place with LinkedIn. As a writer, editors are often reaching out to connect. Do you suppose that’s because they’ve read my blog and think I could use some guidance? Well, bless their hearts.

Instagram

And then, we have Instagram. My personal favorite. Time whizzes by when I’m on Instagram. Why do I love Instagram? Because the posts are so darn creative. Talking dogs (who doesn’t love a talking dog?), marital advice (though not from the dogs), funny children, dancing parrots, oh…I can’t explain it all. But when I’m doing nothing in particular, Instagram is so engaging. And the more videos you follow, the more videos appear in your feed. So, there’s always something better as you scroll.

And the Problem Is?

I’m sorry. Did I say there was a problem? No problem. I just think that when something shows up in your life that you enjoy, it’s worth sharing. Just be careful about the time. You can really get sucked in. Which is why I’m staying away from TikTok. After all, I need some spare time to keep up with my writing.

And Now, for Something A Little Extra!

I’m happy to announce that Brenda W. and Cheryl W. were the two winners of our March 2023 Giveaway of David Sedaris’ latest books: Happy-Go-Lucky and A Carnival of Snackery. We had over 180 entries, and to be fair, the winners were selected randomly by the KingSumo software. Thank you to everyone who participated. And to those of you who didn’t win, there’s always next time. And there will be a next time.

Also this month, we’re participating in a short story promotion. So this is the moment to grab a free ebook of What’s That Growing in my Sour Cream? The free ebook is available by clicking here. Until we next connect, have a great April!

Out of the Mouths of Babes!

The other day, I was standing in line at the grocery store to check out. Ahead of me, an adorable 5-year-old boy was with his Mom. As the Mom gathered her cart and started to leave, the little boy turned and shouted to everyone in earshot, I love you. All the adults were instantly charmed. There were smiles everywhere. And then, in unison, we all said back, we love you. It was an amazing and momentary bond among strangers. This made me wonder. Wouldn’t the world be a better place if instead of saying goodbye we just offered an enthusiastic, I love you? What could be the harm?

Shalom

The idea isn’t so far-fetched. Shalom is used as a substitute for hello and goodbye by Israelis. It means peace and wellness. Then, there’s aloha in Hawaiian which translates to love and respect. So, there’s really no reason why I love you might not work instead of hello and goodbye.

But I Don’t Love Everybody!

Well, of course not. And there’s the rational adult mind denying the charm and wonder of telling other people, even strangers, that we care about them. Now, what could be the downside? Do we think people will follow us home? Okay. I guess some nut job might. But as spiritual beings, wouldn’t it just feel great to let our guard down and express love for the human race?

Maybe, 5-Year Olds Know the Secret

They say that out of the mouths of babes springs truth. Well, maybe that little boy knows something we could all benefit from. Now, I’m not in the habit of listening closely to children. But Art Linkletter (does anyone remember him?) made a career out of it. He had this show, Kids Say the Darndest Things. He’d pepper the kids with worldly questions just to hear their answers. Too cute. Tiffany Haddish has an updated version. Here’s a clip of her interviewing Ellington. It’s guaranteed to make you smile.

Children Have Never Been My Thing

Truth is, I’ve never been keen on kids. Is that a terrible thing to admit? But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize the beauty a child can add to your life. As long as you’re not responsible for getting them to bed, helping with homework, and keeping them clean and fed, I can see that children are a sweet value add. Oh, you lucky parents and grandparents. But as an Uncle, I love the little ones in my life. Joy without responsibility. That’s a pretty terrific winning combination.

Please Share Your Stories

If you get a chance, I’d love to hear the wisdom your precious ones have offered through the years. Don’t hold back. Let me know. I’m all ears and eager to learn. Out of the mouths of babes!

And Now For Something A Little Extra!

This month, we’ll be participating in an AuthorsXP ebook giveaway. You can win a free subscription to Audible and a copy of my second novel After the Fall. Entering is easy. Click here to check it out. And have a wonderful rest of February. Happy reading!

Calorie Counting: Is This Why I Learned to Add?

Let’s agree at the start. Nothing ruins a meal faster than calorie counting. But then, if you follow my blog, this should be no surprise. Because I like to eat. And so I especially hate seeing the calorie count on a restaurant menu. No matter what I want to order, the calorie count always seems too high. But what if we leave out the butter? Leave out the cream. Eliminate the pasta. Hmm. Maybe, I should just order a hard-boiled egg and a glass of water. Is that on the menu?

Food Is Meant to be Enjoyed

When I go out to dine, I want to enjoy my meal. Not be reminded to watch my weight. That should be the exclusive purview of the doctor’s office and the snickering nurse who jots down my weight when I step on the scale. What do you mean I’m ten pounds heavier than last year? Haven’t you heard of Covid? Clearly, the stress of the pandemic has forced me to retain water. Which by the way, is very eco-friendly considering we live in the Arizona desert. What do you mean retaining water isn’t the same if you’re not a camel? Well, I beg to differ.

Tricks on the Scale

I’ve tried a few tricks to keep the needle on the scale from bouncing too high. By the way, holding in your gut doesn’t work. But removing shoes, wallet, phone, and anything else in your pockets will. And then, when you step on the scale, point a finger and say to the nurse, “Look. Over there.” That gives you enough time to hop off the scale, deduct ten pounds, and announce your preferred weight. The same weight you use when renewing your driver’s license. And who is the DMV to doubt your word? Heck, it’s not like your Mom works there.

Gluten-Free

Now, I totally get the need for gluten-free options. No one should suffer a bellyache because they can’t process wheat, rye, and barley. Lately, I’ve noticed that I’m also suffering a bit of a bellyache after eating. But I’m guessing it’s more about portion size. Years ago, I learned that a serving of protein should be about the size of your fist. Based on the current price of meat, that seems all anyone can afford. Which of course makes following that recommendation manageable. As for vegetables, the sky’s the limit. Oh goody. That clears up that worry.

Now for a Little Something Extra!

This month, we’re offering a free excerpt of Boca by Moonlight through a joint promotion with over 40 other authors called Stories of Choice and Change. If you have a moment, please check it out. It’s a great way to get a sneak peek at the novel and meet other authors too. Until we next connect, enjoy the month of January!

Why is My Sponge So Darn Happy?

Some things in life simply defy explanation. Why does grout discolor? Why do spiders gather in our guestroom bathtub? And why, for goodness sake, is my sponge smiling? Yes. My sponge is smiling. Wait. Are you telling me that your sponge doesn’t smile? Well, we have to talk.

I Want to Learn How to Smile

Some of us are not natural smilers. I’m one of those people. I think it has to do with the muscles in my face. For me, smiling requires a focused effort. It’s not that I’m unhappy. Or, something hurts. Though you’d never know from the expression on my face. Whenever a photographer says smile, I admit to being confused. Aren’t I already smiling? And saying cheese doesn’t seem to help.

But I Love a Beautiful Smile

If you have perfectly white teeth, smiling is a wonderful thing. But for those of us with small mouths, and even smaller teeth, smiling should be arbitrary. Now, my husband Jeff has teeth like chicklets. When he smiles, the room lights up. It’s nice to see that smile in the morning. It’s a sign that the day is going well and I haven’t screwed up yet. There’s always time for that later.

Hey, Guy. What Are You Smiling At?

Growing up in New York City, you learn not to smile at strangers. It’s not that New Yorkers aren’t friendly. They are very friendly. Ask any New Yorker on the street a question, they’ll stop and help you out. But smiling randomly, well, that can be an invitation to trouble. I learned early on to avert my gaze and be grateful for my poker face. Especially when you’re riding the New York City subway system. If no one knows what you’re thinking, all is good.

And Then There’s My Sponge

Recently, I started to use a new kitchen sponge. I didn’t buy it. I think we swiped it from a Timeshare property we stayed at over the summer. Or maybe it came in the mail as a promo. Whatever. The point is, there’s a smiley face cut into the sponge. Think of a Halloween pumpkin. At first, I thought, this is going to be annoying. There’s this missing surface where the eyes and mouth are carved out. That can’t be helpful when cleaning up. But I was wrong. The sponge works great. And when you squeeze out the excess water, the sponge bounces back into a bright, joyful smile.

What’s That You Say?

Now, when I stand at the sink, I see this very happy sponge smiling at me. I know. You’re thinking, I’ve finally lost it. Well, I haven’t. It’s just whoever came up with the idea for the sponge was a genius. It’s a wonderful thing to see an inanimate object so happy. Especially when doing something as mundane as washing dishes. Yes. In our house, we wash the dishes before they go into the dishwasher. Crazy, huh? But that’s a blog for another day.

And Now, For Something a Little Extra!

I’ve been doing a lot of speaking lately to promote my novel Boca by Moonlight. So today, I thought I’d share an excerpt from the novel. I hope you take a few moments to check it out. And before I forget, here’s wishing you and your family the very best of the Holiday Season and a Happy & Healthy New Year. May these last days of December be filled with joy!

If Only Your Dog Could Talk…

Dogs are special. They have the ability to stare into our eyes, and instinctively, we know exactly what they want. But just imagine if they could actually talk and tell us their deepest, darkest, thoughts. I wonder what those conversations might be like.

“Move Over. You’re Hogging the Bed”

Who hasn’t cuddled up with Fido, only to find your dog pushing you out of the bed with his paws? And dogs can be so warm when they press up against you. I’m always surprised by friends who share their bed with pups weighing in excess of sixty pounds. I can’t imagine how that plays out as Fido jabs a paw into your face. Or your gut. Or pokes you in the butt. It’s got to hurt.

“Your Breath Stinks”

Morning mouth is not unique to your dog. Dog owners also need to brush their teeth. For that matter, you can always tell when your breath has soured. Instead of poking a nose at your butt, your dog heads straight for your mouth. And you think all those kisses are because they love you.

“Haven’t You Had Enough to Eat? Feed Me!”

You and your dog both love to eat. But only one of you is in charge of the food. A few years back, a piece of my dog’s kibble shot across the kitchen counter. I only found it later in the morning. Being a human scavenger, and after a long session at the gym, I picked it up, smelled it, and wondered what it was. Could it be something from my husband’s breakfast cereal? A bit of cracker from an earlier snack? Why did it look so odd? And why, if I wasn’t sure what it was, did I pop it in my mouth? Gasping and coughing once I realized the true nature of the edible, I caught my dog smirking at me. That day we agreed: his food is his, and my food, well, when it falls to the floor, that’s also his.

“Life Is Short. Go For a Walk!”

Your dog always knows when to go out and exercise. Why don’t you? And if I could catch a ball in my mouth, well, that would be amazing. Truth be told, I wasn’t always the greatest athlete. And despite how most fans feel, I’d prefer to see a baseball game behind protective netting, assured that a foul ball won’t come my way. Let others grab for that wayward baseball. I’m too busy covering my head, waiting to be knocked out cold.

“Regularity is a Blessing”

It must be nice to do everything in a timely manner. Even one’s bathroom habits. Envy your dog’s ability to take care of business twice a day. It all seems so spontaneous and healthy. No laxatives. No probiotics. If only…

Something Extra!

And now for something a little extra. This week, Boca by Moonlight will be part of the Jewish Book Council’s introductory session. I will have two minutes on a National Zoom Call to discuss the novel. It’s exciting and a little nerve-racking. In celebration of the event, I’m going to offer a free excerpt. Just click here to check out the novel. Happy reading!

Ten Reasons Why Your Workout May Not Be Working Out!

If you’re like me, you pride yourself on being physically active. But there comes a time when we just have to admit that our efforts may not be producing the desired effect.

Fitness Guru?

Are you kidding? I’m just like you. But recently, I’ve become aware of some interesting trends. Let’s see how many of these you recognize:

Chocolate peanut butter cups are not the ideal snack. Creamy and yummy, for sure, but they won’t help you attain that perfect physique. Unless you’re going for the round look.
In-between meal snacks are not the calorie-burning workout you imagined. True, you must walk to the kitchen (walking is a great way to burn calories). Then, open the refrigerator (thank goodness for strong biceps). You’re engaging jaw muscles as you chew. But there is no “kitchen set-up” at the gym for those of us who enjoy this form of exercise. If there was, I’m certain membership would skyrocket.
It’s far better to zip it (your mouth) than rip it (open a bag of potato chips). And if you must give in to that bag of chips, don’t dip it. That’s where all the calories are. Sour cream dips are especially troublesome. Delicious, but troublesome.
The mirror can be your friend. But you have to face it. And then, you have to look into it. I’m not a fan. Personally, I think mirrors should be covered when we’re nude. Just like in a Jewish house of shiva. Please, show some respect!
Carbs are best eaten when you’re lonely. Or with friends. Or when thinking about challenging family members. In short, carbs are the perfect food group.
Ice cream should never be consumed on an empty stomach. It always tastes better after you’ve overeaten. I think it’s the extra cream in the recipe.
That pain in your abs isn’t from crunches. It’s more likely gas from that spicy Mexican meal you’re still digesting from the previous night. Ole!
Grocery shopping is not a contact sport. Carts are not weapons. Beware the senior who rams your butt. No, they are not sorry. And yes, you did deserve it.
If you must run, make sure you’re being chased. There’s little point in breaking a speed record unless your life is at risk.
Stretching and yoga are terrific if your name is Gumby. Not so much if your name is Brad. Holding your body in an unnatural pose can only result in painful muscle pulls. Ask your chiropractor. Better yet, ask mine.

And Now for A Little Something Extra!

I’m excited that Boca by Moonlight has been so well-received. If you haven’t had a chance to check out the novel, please take a look at the book trailer. And then go ahead and download the free excerpt. The novel will be a 2022 Jewish Book Council selection. And it has won 1st Place in Adult Fiction from the Arizona Chapter of the National Federation of Press Women. Exciting stuff!

Were You Raised in a Barn?

Growing up in NYC, when things got too messy, my mother would accuse us all of being raised in a barn. Which is an odd thing to say since she was in charge of the housework. Still, there are times as an adult when I look around and think, definitely barnyard. Okay. So there are no cows or chickens anywhere. And the only silos are the stacks on my desk. But isn’t that what writers do? Create piles. At least, that’s what I’ve decided. And yes, I’m committed to one day curating each of the stacks into files. One day. But not today. Today, well, to be honest, it’s all just too much. Did I just hear a cow moo?

Why is it so hard to Clean Up?

We all know people who are meticulously organized. We snicker and call them anal-retentive. No one wants to be known as anal-retentive. It sounds like a disease acquired in childhood. Something that happened around toilet training. A period of time most of us can’t remember. Or, we might hear people identify as OCD. As if wiping down the counter with a sponge could ever be obsessive-compulsive. Especially if you’re in the habit of wiping the crumbs from the counter onto the floor. Hmm. I swear I just heard a cow moo.

Why is Everything so Messy?

It just seems that when I worked outside of the house, coming home was a wonderful thing. You could relax. Kick your shoes off. Enjoy the quiet. But now, at home, I notice every dust bunny that floats by. Another good reason not to have tile floors. Living in Phoenix, I just close my eyes and pretend they are tumbleweeds. And lately, I’ve even spotted a layer of dust gathering on the living room furniture. I’m tempted to write my name in it. But if I do, well, I’d have to dust. I think it’s better to just stay out of that room altogether. What you can’t see, can’t hurt you.

Spiders

I’ve spotted a few spider webs gathering in the corner by the windows. It’s wonderful how nature creates its own little cleaning crew for tiny bugs. I’m reminded of the Munsters. That house was always covered in cobwebs. Mockingbird Lane and Lily’s housekeeping left a lot to be desired. Surely it’s time to grab a dustbuster or something and take care of the mess. But then, I have other things to do. What they are, I haven’t quite decided. Ahh, my mother was right. I must have been raised in a barn!

Now for Something a Little Extra!

The reviews are coming in on Boca by Moonlight. And it has just won first place in the Arizona Chapter of the National Federation of Professional Writers at-large communications contest. It’s exciting to see the novel find an appreciative audience. So, if you haven’t had a chance to check it out yet, please give the book trailer a peek. And enjoy the rest of the month of March!