where’s the toilet paper?

Zoom: When Can We Go Back to Face-to-Face Meetings?

I’ve participated in a lot of Zoom meetings over the past twelve months. Mostly, professional meetings with other writers. And though it’s a great way to connect, there is a downside. For one, Zoom projects your “live” image on the screen. This means you’re forced to look at yourself. And if the meeting goes on for an hour or more, that’s a lot of camera time. Of course, you can always change the viewing mode from “group” to “speaker”. But that doesn’t really help. Somehow, my eye always manages to track back to the little box with my name on it. Oh! There I am. The one slouching.

So How Do I Look?

By now, I should know the answer. Zoom is like sitting in front of a mirror. For some, that might be a good thing. For me? Not so much. And why would anyone ever want to do that? Well, it’s probably fine for the world’s most beautiful people. But none of them ever pops in on the screen when I hit “join with video”.  Not Brad Pitt. Not Brad Paisley. Not Bradley Cooper. Nope. Just me. Brad Graber. My face. And let me tell you—I can use a little bit of sun.

Is This The Right Angle?

There’s supposedly a lot you can do to improve the way you look on Zoom. Something about lighting and placement of the camera. I don’t bother with those details. Instead, I wonder if I have a good side. So I shift about, adjusting my laptop to try to get just the right angle. My grandmother used to say that some people look better from a distance. This makes me wonder if I should set my laptop on the other side of the room.  Hmm. Now there’s a thought.

Lift Your Head

I’ve noticed my head drooping halfway through any Zoom session. My mouth hangs open as if I’m about to ask a question. I’m not. I’m just getting drowsy. Surely no one would object if I took a snooze with my eyes open. Or would they? Instead, I blink hard and struggle to stay awake. It might be age—but I say it’s the Zoom Glow. Zoom is zooming me out. Like hypnosis. Did someone just ask me to quack like a duck? If they did, I probably would.

Fellow Zoomers

I’ve been impressed by my fellow Zoomers. Especially the women. They all look wonderful from my side of the desk. That is—when I’m not busy staring at myself. The women have particularly excellent posture. And amazing poise and manner. During one Zoom session, a pervert commandeered the screen. The Zoom was hacked. And for a minute or two, we were all shocked to watch an adult man do very adult things. Modesty prevents me from going into further detail.  Let’s just say that when I was a kid living in New York City, flashers were spotted around town. Now, they’ve upped their game. Welcome to the virtual world.

Now for Something Extra

This week we’re doing a special .99 cent ebook Amazon promotion for After the Fall through April 9th. If you haven’t had a chance to grab a copy of the ebook, this would be the time. And the good news is that the ebook has hit Amazon’s Best Seller List landing in the #10 spot. Of course, those rankings change by the moment. But I took a picture of it anyway. And finally, I may be a bit late, but I’d like to wish you and your family a Happy Easter and Passover. May we all gather together in a huge celebration when the pandemic is finally over. We can do it on Zoom!

 

Ten Tips To Make 2021 The Best Year Ever

Let’s face it. 2020 was no fun. So, as we think about 2021, here are some suggestions to  make things a bit brighter:

  1. Stop racing through the store like you’re on Supermarket Sweep (does anyone remember that game show?). If you’re wearing a mask, using hand sanitizer, and staying socially distant, you’re probably fine. Still not sure? Don’t shop on the weekend when it’s busy. And double-mask. It can’t hurt.
  2. Toilet paper is a wonderful product. But there’s only so much anyone needs. If you can’t pull your car into the garage—you probably have too much.
  3. Try to get out of the house. If the weather doesn’t permit, there’s always a good book, meditation, or a nap. And we all know that meditation leads to a nap. What? You really didn’t know?
  4. Cookies and cake are delicious. But maybe it’s time to bring fruits and vegetables back into our diets. You’ll feel better and with summer a few months away, you’ll get a head start on that beach body (and I’m not referring to the dead thing that washes up on the shore every July).
  5. Social distancing will one day be a thing of the past. So now’s the time to change your cell phone number and ditch those pesky relatives. If they can’t text you, they can’t find you. Win-win!
  6.  Embrace change. We have a new president with a new outlook. With any luck, we’ll all be vaccinated soon. Hopefully, before the next Covid mutation. Can you say, Ninja Mutant Warrior?
  7. Laugh when you can. When all else fails look in the mirror. It’s true. You look just like your mother. Now that should put a smile on your face (or send you screaming from the room).
  8. Aches and pains are part of life. They help remind us of what’s important. That we’re still here. Alive and kicking. Adding new meaning to the phrase, it hurts so good.
  9. Try to make pancakes at least once a week. Even if the batter isn’t great, you’ll love the syrup. I promise.
  10. Reading is a necessary form of self-love. We get to experience someone else’s life when we read. And anyone else’s life is probably more exciting than ours at the moment. So go ahead. Pick up a book. Escape.

Now A Little Something Extra!

This month, we’ll be participating in an ebook humor promotion along with other authors. It’s your opportunity to grab a free ebook of What’s That Growing in My Sour Cream? Please take a moment to check out the promotion. It’s a great time to be a reader!

Bunnies to the Left, Bunnies to the Right

Is it my imagination or are there bunnies everywhere this Easter? Dust bunnies, that is. Floating past me in the kitchen. Dancing along the hallway. Waving from the corner of the dining room. How can this be? And more importantly, why haven’t I noticed these animated tumbleweeds before?

Quarantine

As a writer, I’ve worked from home for years. But with COVID-19, we’re no longer using a cleaning service. In fact, we haven’t welcomed anyone into our disease-free fortress for at least six weeks. But if I ever wondered why we had a cleaning service, I know now. Gosh, two people can create quite a mess.

Bunny?

Which makes me wonder. Why is that tumbleweed called a dust bunny? Is it because the word bunny is cute?  Not exactly. I’ve recently learned it’s because of the fluffiness of the dust, which by the way, according to a 2009 University of Arizona study, dust is comprised of “a mixture of organic matter such as dead skin cells and organic fibers, soil tracked-in on footwear, and particulate matter derived from the infiltration of outdoor air.” Egad. There’s nothing cute about that!

Where’s the Vacuum?

In our house, we have two vacuum cleaners. The upright and the canister. Why do we have two? I’m not sure. I can only assume we each once had a preferred model? But to be honest, neither of us has used a vacuum in years. The dustbuster, sure. But a vacuum? Nope. So both vacuums have been sitting in our garage collecting dust. Until now. And with a flip of a switch, a pull on a cord, we’ve begun the arduous process of vacuuming. Discovery #2. You have to have a very young back to excel at vacuuming.

And the Rest of the House?

It’s obvious we need to do more than just vacuum. Oh well. These are the times that make men hardy. Or something like that. And so we’ll schedule a cleaning ritual. Vacuum, dust, clean countertops, and attack the dreaded toilet. This’s all doable. After all, we are mighty men. Capable and strong. Or, maybe, we can just clean when the dust bunny problem gets out of hand. I like that idea. After all, how much dirt can we really create? Hmm. Based on what I’m seeing around right now—quite a lot!

One Last Thought

Don’t forget to grab a copy of my latest book: What’s That Growing in My Sour Cream? It’s a touch of Erma Bombeck with a sprinkle of David Sedaris and just a hint of Andy Rooney.

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